


To Just Grow Old

by bedtimeforshep



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AU where everything's the same but the 104th are ages 18 & 19, Autistic Character, Autistic Sasha Blouse, Drug Use, Dubious Consent, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mental Instability, Partner Betrayal, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, TINY bit of canon divergence, Tragic Romance, Trans Connie Springer, Trans Male Character, Underage Drinking, if ur transphobic fuck off we dont want you here, lovers to enemies to lovers lmao, sex scenes are in ch's 1 & 3 & 6 & 10 so far, some transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:21:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23333044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bedtimeforshep/pseuds/bedtimeforshep
Summary: Connie and Reiner make a pact to grow old together.
Relationships: Connie Springer/Eren Yeager, Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Reiner Braun/Connie Springer
Comments: 14
Kudos: 34





	1. The View From Sideways

**Author's Note:**

> written from a transmasc perspective. this was for myself/to explore my own sexual struggles, so i can't guarantee it won't make u dysphoric if youre ftm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up for transphobic/homophobic comments & f-slurs. Reiner's just got a lot of internalized shit he needs to work through & also he's dumb lol.

Connie didn’t like to get in his head too much. It had become increasingly obvious from the first day he’d joined the Cadets that he’d go out of his mind if he allowed himself to really think about what he was doing. Whenever he went too far, he’d just remember his mother’s smiling face, and his dad’s, and fifteen-year-old Sunny with her braids, and the baby of the family, Martin, who always looked about as scared as Connie felt these days. It was the kind of feeling he acknowledged, but took sleeping pills before bed so he wouldn’t have to lie awake acknowledging.

It was easy enough to slice a pack tethered to the ‘neck’ of a wooden training dummy. He’d become a soldier. That meant that now if the titan that barreled straight through Wall Maria came back for Wall Rose, he would have to face it, face the ones that came in afterward for the carnage. Equipped with blades and the ability to fly like a terrified incarnation of Icarus. He would have trained to face it, he would have been taught courage, and that was then, this was now, but eventually, Connie would live a time in his life where he would fight a titan.

He stood under the shower head feeling anxious. One of the thoughts that had been scaring him lately was that maybe becoming an adult was just learning to be okay with the fact that it would never truly be okay again. That’s what it had felt like ever since he had waved goodbye to the kindness in his mother’s eyes and forgotten what side of his chest his heart was in. Everyone was in bed. He could cry if he needed to.

He didn’t though. It had been a month, maybe, since he’d become a soldier. No one in the cadet corps knew anything about each other. Just little bits of trauma that they took out brutally in combat training and practical jokes. There were three at least from Shinganshina- one of them, the kid who’d seen his mother die- and Reiner and Bertholdt whose friend got eaten right in front of them. How could he cry when he had a family to return to on holidays. And who were much safer than he was, now that he had joined the military. That’s why his mom was proud of him; this was a way to finally prove himself to the village kids who always said he was too much of a runt and an idiot to even enter the service. And he’d be a hero at some point in his life too, though that in particular seemed just a means to an end.

As it always happens when they ate supper together in the waning hours of evening, Connie clowned around, exaggerating how sore he was from the day’s training. He’d bargained Sasha into giving him a back massage for his baked potato, which he’d gotten down from the baked potato and his green beans. Now they were listening to Jean and Eren argue about something or another, and when Connie looked up suddenly awake, Sasha was heaped over the table beside him, snoring lightly. The mess hall was empty. Only Ymir was hanging around; dinner had ended almost a half hour ago, she told him; she was waiting to wake the two of them until it was so late they’d owe her something for getting them up before Shadis came back. Connie stuck his tongue out at Ymir, shook Sasha awake, and the two left to go shower and get to bed.

So here he was in the stall to melt away a little. He’d reached up to soap his buzzed head, and was scrubbing lost in thought. Sasha’s skillful grip had done wonders for his back. Stretching up to touch the curtainless shower rod, he felt the muscles around his spine tighten and relaxed as they expanded. He was thinking about hands. Looked down at his own.

No one would see him if he let out some steam, so to speak, right? Closing his eyes, Connie tilted his head back, and drew a fingertip line from his lips to his jaw, to his chest, his stomach, through the center of his v-shape, and down to the point of his internal contention.

“I’d been wondering why you always waited to shower till everyone was already in bed,” someone said in a low voice, hardly phased and almost amused.

The boy before him under the pelting of the water jumped, turned, and shivered violently. "Reiner!” It took him a moment to recover. “I- I don't wait. I fell asleep at dinner."

“So your name wasn’t always Connie then, huh?” Reiner leaned back against the shower wall and crossed his arms.

“Fuck you! I’ve always been Connie,” he curled into himself, trying to hide from Reiner’s view. It became clear in the panting silence that Reiner didn’t intend to look away. The shower head continued to beat a hot and heavy stream onto his skin. “I don’t owe you- or anyone- an explanation you know,” he reached, trembling, to push the shower handle back to the off position. When his hand slipped, it wrenched forward and suddenly freezing water was raining down on him, and involuntarily he arched his way out of its circumference and out of the stall.

“Are you under the impression that I’m gonna bully you about this? Or expose you?” Reiner turned his head slightly and winced. He stepped forward to turn off the shower. “That’s a pretty hurtful thing to assume about my character.”

Connie couldn’t say anything. Instead he remained facing Reiner, still trying to cover himself but glowering, ashamed. Reiner, on the other hand, was tugging on the towel wrapped around his waist.

“I mean, it’s kind of obvious you’re some kind of fag but I thought you were just gay.”

Humiliated tears welled up in Connie’s eyes, steamy and red. “Leave me alone.” The bullying he had endured in his hometown came rushing back, a sinking and unsafe feeling, a self-hatred, and a tearing of tendons. He knew he was short, thin- that he was effeminate- and that he would never be able to feel in reality what he felt in his dreams. He could get close, but he would never be able to touch it, or be touched that way.

“So you’re into girls,” Reiner continued almost to himself. That expression- what was it lurking in his eyes?

“No- what?”

But Reiner had moved into him, his big hand cupping the small of Connie’s back. If it was just the vague odor of sweaty cologne, or just the alcohol in his breath, maybe he would’ve been able to keep the strangled sound in his throat from coming out. But it was Reiner’s heat there above Connie’s face; it was a glow.

“Can I?” he felt Reiner’s breath on the back of his neck, and the stiffness under his towel pushing against Connie’s leg.

The clouds of steam had not cleared. The locker room wood was spotted in puddles like after a rainstorm. And here Connie felt Reiner coming down on him yellow, blinding yellow like the sun.

He would take back his words, Connie thought. _If either of us is a fag, it’s him_.

He turned his chin up and kissed Reiner slowly. And everything went very fast after that. They were gentle and firm, like a dance, they held each other and moved, breathing rhythmically.

Separating a sticky kiss, Connie chuckled and tucked his face into Reiner’s shoulder.

“So you like me then,” he said. “That’s what it was.”

It was a triumphant moment. He soaked it in and listened to the crickets outside; the dripping of water from the quiet showerhead.

“Wait, you’re still straight?”

“No, motherfucker,” Connie retorted, pulling back a little. “You do realize that’s a paradox, right? You’re really not good at talking me into this.”

Reiner stood back, looking genuinely astonished. “What did I say?”

“I’m gay. I’m into guys.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry,” he gave a short laugh. “Thinking’s kinda hazy right now. I am too.”

"Never would've guessed," Connie snickered.

With the muscular, slender body under his hands again, Reiner stroked up Connie’s chest, running his fingertips along the lines of scar tissue there. He wondered about the time before Connie had these scars, and felt a pang of worry at how much he may have suffered in the life, isolated, before they’d met. Reaching down, he tried to slip a finger between Connie’s labia.

“No,” Connie pushed him away. “Don’t touch me there.”

“Sorry,” Reiner said. “You don’t like it?”

“I hardly like it when I do it myself.” He flushed, hesitating before mumbling, “I’m already wet enough anyways.”

Well, now Reiner was made of pent-up energy, and Connie would take it. He turned the boy and pressed him up close against the wall. Then, gripping Connie’s hips and positioning himself to support his weight, Reiner pushed his length into Connie.

They remembered that they had to be careful of waking anyone when Connie let out a low cry; but this was his first time, and he felt every nerve ending as they winced and swelled at Reiner’s reach. He was afraid; this hurt in an unfamiliar way. But as Reiner began to move and push again and again into that deep place Connie hadn’t known before tonight, he grew numb to the awareness of what he was doing. It started feeling like magic then, not because Reiner was particularly good, but because he was doing it with Reiner! This was like a dream. Reiner was like this- losing control, getting hot, hands that demanded of this body- because of him. Because of Connie! They were speeding up, speeding up, getting to an erratic pace. Connie saw his vision begin to turn white the corners, like a vignette, the shower corner, bobbing sideways with him, like diamonds or stars, and for that second he completely lost the ability to keep quiet. His mouth he kept open, almost like he was in pain; he let out a breathy moan with every one of Reiner’s powerful thrusts. And Reiner was getting close now; he felt he wouldn’t be able to stop even if someone were to walk in on them, so he wrapped himself tighter around Connie and covered his mouth, biting into the boy’s shoulder. Reiner squeezed his eyes closed. He couldn’t look at Connie, there with his eyes glossy and tired with lust, held up against the wall and with his mouth covered, breathing muffled like that. He couldn’t.

The orgasm came on like a rush. Reiner was just able to pull out before coming over Connie’s arching back. He pumped himself, holding Connie still by the hip, riding it through until he had no more to give.

“God, Connie, you’re so my type,” Reiner finally sighed.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Connie asked as he tried to catch his breath, hands on his knees. He hadn’t even finished.

“Well, I mean, look at you! Your body type, you grew up in a farming village, right? You’ve got that farmer’s tan, and the type of muscles that come from real labor. And you’re cute, too.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Connie said. He was flustered and starting to get embarrassed. He’d just get himself there once Reiner left him alone.

“I bet you can cook, can’t you?”

“I can cook as much as anybody else!”

“Thought so,” Reiner laughed. “My little wife. Ah-” he winced as Connie shot him a glare. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. Husband. Be my little husband.” He kissed the boy’s pouting lips and they could both feel his smile.

"You're a stupid asshole," Connie muttered into his mouth.

When they parted ways to go to their cots, Connie walked stiffly, feeling that if he moved too freely the others would be able to smell Reiner’s must on him. He’d said he wouldn’t tell anybody, and Connie could trust that. It was the steamy air powdering his lungs with condensation. It was what it felt like to be taken, emasculated in a way that reminded him he had masculinity in the first place. Out from under his own control, trusting that he’d be put back together like broken porcelain at the end.

He shuddered, hugging himself as the waves swept through him, sweaty-palmed under the sheets.


	2. Passage/Interlude

What would it be like to see him again? 

Connie pondered this rubbing his eyes. Many times he’d thought it would have been better if he’d stayed in Ragako and gotten turned into a titan like everyone else. Thousands of times he’d remembered how Reiner threw himself in front of Connie and got his arm bitten so deep that he’d snapped a bit of bone. From what Eren said, he only did that as half of himself. The other half would’ve let them all die on top of the castle. 

Thinking about Reiner never made him cry anymore. He’d killed the boy once before but he didn’t die. It was cruel of him to keep surviving, keep being a person, keep burying that heroic image of himself deeper into the ground. That adored image. They all knew each other well enough at that point, that they joked with each other nastily whenever Reiner got brought up. That was how it had to be. It was particularly bad with Connie, since the two of them had been pining over each other in the humblest way since the beginning. But how Jean insulted his taste in men, it was okay. How when Connie accidentally moaned Reiner’s name when in bed with Eren, Eren became mock-offended- to be compared with Reiner, all brawn and all homophobe- and didn’t stop banging him as he wiped his hot tears. That was okay. He and Sasha were like twins; he remembered how for years, her hand on his shoulder was like the only thing holding him onto the earth. When she made fun of Reiner, it was apparent that she still couldn’t quite swallow what he had done. Not that she was incredulous, but it all was so separate from their memories with him. It was like two different people, how she talked about him. And that was because he _was_ two different people, Connie knew. 

So what would it be like to see him again? Would he see him again? 

He only kind of wished that he could talk to Historia, but she hadn’t spent much time with the remaining 104th outside her court. And after losing Ymir, her ascent to queendom had been so swift that they hadn’t had time to suffer together. It had been a long time since those days though, and Connie figured that Historia had closed that wound to outside air. She would not easily reconnect with him about what happened. 

Now they were flying in an airship to the place where Reiner had grown up and was now, presumably, living as normal a life as he could. Everything had already ended. The Connie who stared down at the passing black waters had already lost everything.


	3. Home

He’d avoided talking too much about that titan to Reiner for the rest of the day. It wasn’t as though he didn’t hear how unhinged he sounded saying it aloud- that titan reminded him of his mother, and he’d heard it _speak_. It was on top of his house. It wasn’t as though he didn’t understand why Reiner was trying to get his mind off of Ragako- worrying about his family now wouldn’t do them any good. They had to focus on evacuating the other towns scattered across the countryside. But even so, if there wasn’t a breach, how could the titans have entered Wall Rose? And more importantly, to Connie at least, how could his village have escaped without their horses?

Nothing made sense in this world. And because he had grown accustomed to that fact in the wake of Trost, the inkling of suspicion had already penetrated his thoughts. 

_Welcome home._

What titan had ever spoken before? Maybe it could be an abnormal, but then how could it have possibly known their language? And why- _why_ on earth would it have said _that_? Unless…

“Connie,” Reiner leaned into him affectionately. “Don’t get in your head too much.”

He scoffed in reply but it was more of a sob.

“Easier said than done; believe me, I know. But there’s nothing we can do right now. Try to sleep, here,” Reiner said, pulling the boy into his lap and rocking gently side to side. 

After running into Ymir and Christa’s squad, they’d taken refuge in the ruins of a castle near the outer wall. Mostly it was just a stone tower and a half. As if there’d already been a battle fought there, a long time ago. History seemed to be nothing but slaughter after slaughter. And what did anyone know about the time before they’d sought safety within the walls? How far back did it all go, not just the titans, but the human race? Connie was hardly two decades old, and yet he felt he’d already seen the truth of the world, in blood, in ruin, in the fire sending his comrades up as smoke. Did his mom know about how horrible things were? Somehow, he’d never experienced something like what most of the rest of the 104th had: what he saw, he’d seen only as a witness. The warmth of his childhood home in Ragako compared to Eren’s mom being crushed under the weight of their collapsed rafters. It was too much for him to picture, and it wasn’t even his pain. How did anyone cope with this?

“Reiner,” Connie whispered, beginning to cry, and tilted his head back. “Sorry, but don’t let go of me till tomorrow.”

Reiner’s big arms wrapped around his middle, and he rested his chin on Connie’s shoulder. 

“Hey,” Ymir said abruptly, entering their little private room without warning. “Oh, oops.”

Because the two of them had carried on a steady sexual relationship through the last three years of training, there was no really effective way to keep it secret. How could they, when Reiner joked about killing titans by shoving blades up their asses, making prolonged eye contact with Connie in front of everyone? Or when Connie had accidentally given him a blood-bruise on the neck which Jean spotted immediately the next morning at breakfast? By now, they were used to the relentless harassment. 

Still, Connie didn’t think he could handle Ymir’s taunts tonight. Wiping his tears, he began to scramble out of Reiner’s lap, but Reiner tightened his embrace. 

“Where’s Christa?” he asked, his husky voice sounding a little testy. 

“She’s already asleep. Hey, relax, Connie,” Ymir said, observing his continued struggle. “I’m not interrupting your sexy time for any nefarious purposes. Well, actually I guess that depends on what you’d call nefarious.” She smirked. 

“Nope, I’m getting out of here before it gets bad,” Connie said. He squirmed, but still Reiner wouldn’t let him go. “Reiner!”

“You just told me not to let you go!”

“My god, save it for later. I don’t wanna see that shit. Look, I found something that might ease the tension.” Raising her thin eyebrows, she pulled a small glass jar from her pocket. She lowered her voice. “Have either of you ever smoked grass?”

“Grass? Are you a cow?” At least he wasn’t the only one losing his mind. He almost laughed, but instead sniffled involuntarily, and Reiner turned slightly to gaze at him distractedly before staring back at the jar. 

“Ymir, that’s not…”

She chuckled, shutting the door behind her and coming to sit beside them on the stone tile. “I thought you might’ve heard of it, Reiner. C'mon, I’ll roll a joint for you guys to share.”

“Ymir!” Reiner gasped. At his tone, Connie’s deeper worries were pushed back as a more immediate anxiety took hold. Was that a drug? “Are you fucking crazy? We’ll get discharged!”

“They made us hold the front line without ODM gear, so to be honest, I don’t think they could afford to. And that’s just if they catch us.” Noting their scandalized expressions, she shifted, “Aw, c’mon. We’ll be sober by morning. You don’t think a little intoxication would be good for Connie right now?”

When Reiner didn’t say anything, Connie, his green eyes flitting around as he considered his options, decided that yes, a little intoxication might be nice after today. There was no alcohol to be found here as far as he knew. “Is it strong?”

“Considering how old it must be, I wouldn’t think so. Just take one hit and see how you feel.”

Connie gulped as she rolled the faded green substance in cigarette paper, and made a face as she licked it sealed. She and Reiner each took a couple puffs before handing it over to Connie and lighting the tip.

His first hit was followed by a horrible cascade of coughing, unlike the other two. It felt like his throat had been scorched, that he was suffocating. Fucking hell. Why did he let himself believe Ymir’s idea would be a good one? Was this what people did to cope? Because it sucked. Equivalent to the hangovers he got from drinking too much. And why was he the only one seemingly new at this? His regret was intensified by Ymir’s unsuppressed giggling, even as she got up to get him some water at Reiner’s insistence. 

“You’ll feel better in a few minutes,” Reiner cuddled him. “You’ll feel really good, I promise.”

“You’ve done this before?” Connie cried between coughs.

“Well, no. I smoked tobacco back when I was younger. I’ve seen someone do it though.”

“Who? Do I know them?” Ymir asked excitedly, sitting up and forward like it was schoolgirl gossip. Neither had seen her like this before; maybe no one had. This was different from drunk Ymir, who was more physically aggressive and often cruel.

“Bertoldt,” Reiner said much to their shock. “For anxiety.”

Then Ymir’s gaze cast down. “That doesn’t surprise me.” She took another drag, stood, and turned to Connie. Instead of saying anything, as she looked about to, she patted his head and opened the door. “Wait,” she looked back at Reiner. “Did he not offer you any, or were you too much of a proper little boy to try it?”

“Fuck _off_ , Ymir,” he whined, fanning her through the door and giving her the middle finger as she grinned and shut it. 

“How do you feel?” Reiner asked, squeezing a little tighter. 

“Dizzy, I think? Or floaty? What about you?”

“I’m feeling good,” he rocked back and forth again, this time playfully. “I’m feeling… like I want to kiss you.”

Connie’s heart swayed to the side like he was being washed over by the river he’d bathed in all those years ago when he was still inside himself. Blushing sweetly, he hummed before pouting “Maybe I’m feeling like I want to kiss you too.”

He took Reiner’s face in his hands as they leaned in. The tickle of his short hair on Connie’s forehead. The lift of his cheeks as he beamed under Connie’s fingers. Soft feeling of his lips. Familiar taste of his mouth. Only now there was a note of pine that he recognized on his own breath too. This was affection. Incarnate. He didn’t know what the word meant exactly but it felt appropriate.

“Did you see the pine trees in Ragako today?” he whispered, leaning out momentarily to rub his eye. 

Reiner made a thinking face. “I don’t think I was really… paying attention to them.”

Ah-- yes. How could he have looked at and seen them. When it was-- his hometown was!--

He was physically deflating. A familiar and nightmarish lump of fear lodged itself in his throat, which was already tight and coated in reactionary saliva, impossible to swallow. It was worse like this, fuck. Why had he allowed himself to try something like this _now_? Absently he began to lean back and forth.

“No, no, babe, I meant I was looking at you.”

_What am I thinking about? Here I am in my room, all drunk up and trying to hide it from Mom. Sunny might try to blackmail me in exchange for her silence. Meh. With perfumes that make the foggy memories into rain, and they drip down the mountainside, where Sasha lived before we met. I’ve already traveled up so many mountains. I have a home smell now. Where you only know it after having been away a long time. I caught it when I passed the first, infant trees of the neighbors’ garden; it’s the color green. All of the color greens all mixed together in a blur like how the forest streaks by on the days I fly, slicing air and nape._

“Thank you for being with me, Reiner,” Connie said quietly, poignantly, stuck through with a stalagmite. 

Above them a breeze drifted through the window. The stars were infinite. Space used to scare him just because he couldn’t conceive of it all, but now there before him was a vast reflection of his love for his brother and their happy memories.

“Martin said the moon is a place you can actually step on.”

“Oh, so the Springers aren’t all idiots,” Reiner teased. 

“No,” he chuckled. “Well, my dad can be sometimes.” His dad. “But he’s sweet, like, he’ll cry listening to Sunny play the piano.” His sister. “But Martin’s super smart for his age; he learned to read a couple years early and it’s like ever since, he’s telling me some shit about the cosmos or planets or something. He’s gonna be a for-real genius like me,” the lingering smile on his lips tucked down and soured, and the tears slipped down his cheeks.

“I think he got it from my mom.”

There was no response. The room was empty; it was only this warm, numb body and a bittersweet, aching love for his family. All was still. _Please…_

“My family,” Connie said, unable to hold it back anymore, “they’re really the best. I want you to meet them someday.”

_Please, let me see them again… just once. I won’t take it for granted. Just let them be okay._

At this, Reiner, who he remembered was the source of warmth around him, began to tremble horribly. It started with his body, and when he suppressed those muscles, his teeth chattered. His grip loosened. Alarmed, Connie wrenched himself around; this man who he loved was weeping so violently with him and for him. “I’m so sorry,” he sobbed. “Connie.”

It was strange to hear his voice without its strength. There was an emptiness in it, as if what flowed over his tongue was only sorrow; once hopeful or at least with a seed of hope, it was now pure despair. It was a warped despair. And now, for Connie, there was also a matchbox- placed in the smallest, darkest corner of his heart, where he realized it would eventually bring the house down. 

He stared at Reiner for a moment before shifting all the way around and wrapping his legs around Reiner’s hips. 

“Stop.”

The man did not uncover his face and continued to shake. His clothes hinted at dampness.

“Hey.”

Enough. Connie got up, lit the joint, and sucked until his lungs collapsed involuntarily. Trying as best he could to stifle the cough he knew he had coming, he inevitably began to choke, and had to take several tentative sips of water before he could breathe again. Of course, this ordeal had taken enough time that Reiner had glanced up with shining eyes, and couldn’t help a sad snicker. 

“Bastard,” Connie told him. “You better tell me that your hometown has nothing wrong with it. No one can be having a hard time there, okay? No being sad allowed.” 

Reiner laughed, but his voice was still full of emptiness. 

“I’m doing you, right now,” Connie said decisively, and went immediately to his hands and knees. “This sucks. This blows. If you will. Fuck it all to hell. Let’s just feel good for once.” And unzipped Reiner’s pants.

His tongue had canker sores from being grinded between his anxious teeth every night. It was rough and hot on Reiner’s tip, and under the dry texture of his mouth, Reiner was already leaking precum. God, he still wasn’t used to how good Connie was. His palm was sweaty, his fingers long and soft. The perfect grip. He licked with a pointed tongue and grazed Reiner’s member with his teeth. God, he felt like singing. 

As the boy brought his face down, Reiner felt a slow shudder run through his body to his toes. “Oh my _god_ ,” he sighed, throwing his head back. Connie took him all the way to the base before letting the slippery insides of his lips close around Reiner’s circumference. 

Taking someone’s pleasure was different than anything he could hope to replicate alone; here he was in this beloved boy’s hands and not his own. There had never been a time in his life wherein he felt that he could let his heart out to breathe, and do so safely, before he’d met Connie. It was a melting feeling. He laid back. A sparkling feeling. To be cared for, he thought vaguely as new tears sprung to his eyes. 

Connie was gyrating both his jaw and head, sliding Reiner between palate and tongue, taking particular satisfaction at the twitching of Reiner’s legs beneath his hands. He continued as rhythmically as his throat would allow, humming each time he hit the uvula. When after deepthroating a little too much of Reiner for a little too long, he would cough and lift his gaze, spectating the blissful, sultry expression of his lover in the direct aftermath of an obviously successful stroke. 

“ _Fuck_ , Connie,” he groaned. He couldn’t help the thrusting of his hips now. With a degree of guilt that he felt that he would do anything to overturn after this was over- just not yet-, he gripped Connie’s head with both big hands and held him in place, bucking up into this steady, hot mouth. 

_Even if he had protested_ , Reiner thought, _I don’t know that I’d be able to stop_. 

But the boy took it, tears wetting his flushed face, his eyebrows furrowed, and a thick discharge dripping strings from his bobbing lips. He had to pull back twice when his gag reflex was triggered, but Reiner was close now, not only panting but grunting with each thrust. 

“Connie! I’m gonna--” he cried. “Ah-- Ah-- Ah-- Ah--!”

He pulled out to avoid coming directly down Connie’s throat, and instead did so all over his face, stroking out the last of his climax. Better this than tears of grief dripping down this precious face, this face he loved so much. 

Thank god I enlisted, Reiner mumbled as he lay one arm across his ashamed forehead and another under the neck of the boy who flopped down beside him.

Connie was looking at the stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't smoke when youre anxious only when youre horny :)  
> happy new year you clowns


	4. A Sweet Moment/Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> craving pizza bc I'm so cheesy fjksljf

Mid-lick he heard it like a torpedo. The cold substance on his tongue and coating his lips, the sweetest milk, went away and what he tasted became flesh. Torn biting the inside of his cheek. Texture of a Molotov cocktail. The sacred, ancient taking-in of music. 

_Why do the birds go on singing?_

_Why do the stars glow above?_

_Don't they know it's the end of the world?_

_It ended when I lost your love._

This was the song that Reiner had sung to him the day of their promise. Hummed it, first, without being really present, as he rubbed circles into Connie’s shoulders. A melancholic, desperate giving up; giving in. It was vulnerability and then ecstasy and then destruction. And here it was playing, a black disc spinning under a needle in the wake of manifestation.

Sasha had stopped and come back to make sure her friend was okay. “It’s melting,” she observed. “Connie?”

The street came back to him. He ducked out from under her arm as she drew nearer to the ice cream in his hand.

“Hey! You have your own!”

Reiner’s country was about as physically obstructing Reiner was. The buildings were wide and blunt, and cast shadows onto the cobblestone alleys. But near the coastline where they were walking, there were carts with street food, shops for all kinds of things, seagulls, people with brown skin, and an endless ocean just as accessible as a view of the clouds. 

“Treat your poor, hungry twin,” Sasha replied indignantly. “You always feel better when you’re not worrying about yourself anyways.”

 _My twin._ She had known it all from the first time they met: his self, the things that he feared and wept over, the things that would bring him back to the world in which he was now. When he had lost his family- _Sunny would’ve loved to hear songs played somewhere else and a long time ago repeated and repeated like this_ -, and when he had lost Reiner, she took care of him.

Feigning reluctance, he tipped the ice cream cone in her direction, and smiled. 

“Do you wanna go into that music shop?” Sasha asked, wiping her mouth. 

The needle had skipped into the label of the record, and it wound down before a mechanical arm flipped the disc. Connie patted his hat down. 

“Nah, let’s find something to eat.”


	5. The End of the World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *tw for suicidal ideation  
> (/__;) i can't believe i fucking wrote this

_The world has probably always felt like it was ending to those of us who have to die on it. I’m terrified! I’m horribly upset! Look at me anytime. Because I grew up a little girl(…) with dreams(…), my eyes can see the past, the present, and the future. If I let myself linger in front of that expanse even a moment, my heart will well up and I’ll melt from the inside down like candle wax. I don’t want to know it._

_We carry us with us. Across the land of honey, lazy summer clouds, we are holding hands._

_But in the cruel jaws of betrayal, I wish that I would close up and become impenetrable, like a pangolin._

Reiner made him feel like he understood how a violin felt- why it sounded the way it did. And the celesta’s bright twinkling resounded inside his lungs. Even though from the beginning, Connie had known Reiner was taking from him and refusing to give the same love back. He could see the resistance; the vague secrecy; the outward denial and eventual hostility; the way that Reiner’s eyes averted from Connie’s when they were together. While he understood- or thought he did-, he wished that Reiner would just be brave. Connie may have been an idiot, but at least he wasn’t a coward. At least not on this front.

It was true that Reiner had saved Connie, taking the bite himself and almost leaping from the window with the titan on his back. Why would he have done that? He could’ve thrown it back down the stairs, or even out the window without killing himself. He could’ve amputated his own arm if it really came down to that. It was Connie who took their only weapon, a thin kitchen knife, to the titan’s jaw, releasing him. Releasing him. 

The early blue hours of that morning, by which time the three co-conspirators had not yet sobered, were absolute terror. Surrounded by enormous mouths and chased up onto the top of the tower, and without any form of defense, having witnessed their senior protectors killed. What a fucking way to go, Connie thought. He slammed his fist into the wall and could not watch anymore. He would’ve wished that it would’ve turned out differently, but what was the use in escapism now? Not even Reiner, arguably the most capable among them, could escape a death like this.

That monkey out there- the one which had thrown rubble at them, and presumably sent the second advancement- Connie was sure it was to blame. It was more sinister than any titan he’d seen before, even Eren’s. A head to body ratio that was all wrong, a wicked wail, bloated belly, and spindly limbs. Whatever it was, it would be their murderer. It hadn’t even stayed to grant any significance to their deaths. He couldn’t know where the titans in Wall Rose had come from, beyond his unbelievable suspicions, but somehow, this fear and resentment reflected in Reiner’s awful expression. The moonbeams shone down and revealed what Connie refused to believe: recognition.

Nothing that Reiner did made sense. If Connie allowed it to make sense, he would surely himself go insane. Ymir was staring at Christa, who was leaning over the edge of the tower glaring down at the devils below. 

“Christa, you’re still saying that?” Ymir asked her in disbelief. He hadn’t really heard what the girl had said. “Don’t _use_ their deaths. They didn’t die so you’d have an excuse to commit suicide!”

So even Christa had her deep dark secrets then. Not that it was surprising- no one became a soldier without some sort of stupid reason. Now he was thinking of how Eren had wept with rage- listening to that, had Connie imagined that his joining the Scouts would change anything? That he wouldn’t be another death along the bloody path toward uncertain freedom? Had he imagined that his family would be there to celebrate his return? Or at least to mourn his sacrifice at a freshly-carved gravestone?

 _Dammit_. His eyes welled up. If something this evil could exist, why couldn’t salvation too? Couldn’t anyone hear them?

“You’re not like Connie and the others,” Ymir continued angrily. “They don’t want to die, but you don’t even care.”

Well, that wasn’t entirely true, he thought privately. Didn’t Reiner want to die a little? Wasn’t that the reason he kept his emotional distance from the one he loved and who loved him?

“All you want is to die in a way that makes you seem like a hero.”

_Wh- what?_

He wasn’t sure now if he was hearing Christa’s protests or if he was hearing other things, intimate whispers and distance, amplified and yet completely, deafeningly silent. 

“Connie.”

He looked up at Ymir, shocked and half-dissociated. 

“Give me that knife you had.”

“Huh? My knife?”

“Just hand it over.”

“What the hell… here.”

When he gave it to her, she patted his buzzed head, like everyone in the 104th liked to do. “Thanks. Sorry this had to happen your first high.” 

He pushed her arm away. “What do you need it for?”

Then her face became something he’d never seen before. “Hm? Well, you see… I’m going to fight with this.”

“Ymir,” Reiner was white-eyed, his mouth clamped down like he was trying to restrain the bite in his teeth. They were all bewildered, but this was different. By now, Connie had learned enough not to anticipate; he already knew he couldn’t understand what was going on just under the words of his closest friends. “What are you planning to do?”

But Ymir only said, “Who knows? I’m not even sure myself,” and turned back to Christa, gripping her shoulders. Her voice wasn’t harsh anymore, but it and her gaze were desperate. “Christa. You’ve probably forgotten all about it already-”

At that moment, the tower shook as if from an earthquake, as a titan crashed into the wall below them. Connie stumbled backward into Reiner, and it was distractedly that Reiner caught him. Ymir’s expression darkened even further. “This is probably the end.”

The girl, so short before Ymir, was staring up at her with unknowable blue eyes. 

“Try to remember the promise we made training on that snowy mountain.”

Connie was thinking of his and Reiner’s promise. Even an idiot like him could tell that something fatal was about to happen. But theirs couldn’t be fulfilled if the two of them were ever separated.

“I have no right to tell you how to live your life. So actually, this is nothing more than a hope of mine.” Finally, the sun had begun to rise, and with it, Reiner’s furious hands on Connie’s arms rose to his shoulders.

This was the first time she had smiled so vulnerably. So sincerely. “I want you to live a life you’re proud of.”

Ah-- the violins. He knew, even through all the clouded futures that were still possible, that these two were just as doomed as he and Reiner were.

“Remember our promise, Christa.” Then she ran forward, holding the knife so tightly that Connie wasn’t sure she wouldn’t cut herself or even the girl she loved so much. As that girl reached for her, she jumped from the tower into the lightening sky, and with a blinding yellow flash, became a titan. 

* * *

Once they had scaled Wall Rose, the feeling of safety and its subsequent grief set in again. From the numbness, Connie felt the aching of his muscles sharpen, and his brain began pounding against his skull, like _let me out!_ He no longer wanted to curl up into an armored ball, nor to be protected by anyone else. He wanted to turn inside out and do the protecting. How humiliating it was to fear death as he did, especially when it was inescapable. Even if Ymir had become their ugly-ass savior today and survived, it would come for them all in the end. And he would turn to sand, disappear somewhere up in the stars, dust, forgotten by everything but time itself. How long would it take for his existence to be wiped from the earth that was his home entirely? What did that length even mean in the context of forever?

His home which had been the site of unending suffering. He had already forgotten those who came before him; he had forgotten even how to remember at all. It was such a dishonorable thing to forget. 

But Connie was brave. Even if he was fucking stupid and didn’t know anything, he could earn the right to stand among the animals who had lived. Well, he knew he’d never stop being afraid. But he could still fight and contribute to the eternal war. He wasn’t naive enough to hope for a happy ending. It would be tragic, but at the very least, death was not lonely.

Christa’s real name was Historia.

Ymir, comatose now, was another titan-shifter like Eren and Annie. 

How much more would he have to survive before Reiner revealed himself? Before he could finally be honest with him? All that Connie asked of indifferent fate now was the chance to embrace all of Reiner, not just the parts that he could bear, and to be embraced like such in return. 

He sat in the center of the railroad tracks atop the wall, not trying to risk falling to his death, watching the sky. Listening half-heartedly to Historia plead Ymir’s case to Hange. In the moments just after she had transformed, Connie had doubted that she would stick around to save the rest of them. He understood that it was a reasonable fear at the time, but still he felt a little sick about it. Ymir had always been an empath, probably about the same as himself, but her intelligence- a conniving, inaccessible mind- made him distrust her good intentions. After she recovered, as they knew she would, being regenerative, he would have to apologize to her for that. 

It didn’t seem like Historia wanted to die right now, at least. And keeping that will to live going inside her might be the best way to thank Ymir, whatever happened next. Historia was his friend too, anyway. 

The wall had not been breached; that much had been confirmed by three squads. By that fact alone, Connie already knew that the titan laying motionless in the ruins of his house was, somehow, his mother. He knew he had lost everything. His eyes were dry and tired. 

And so when the yellow lightning struck the wall not even a hundred meters from where he rested, and an explosion of steam propelled his tumbling body forward, he thought that he couldn’t possibly feel more like the world was ending than he did. But as he raised his head in terror, pain, confusion, panic, desperation-- and saw half of a blood red giant perched there, and behind it, the kneeling titan of impenetrable armor who looked so familiar, he could not hope for anything more than to die.


	6. Prisoner of the Flesh/Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At long last… Some Reiner POV. ****this is your dubious consent tw, fr err on the side of caution

“Reiner….” the boy was moaning beneath him. There was something about his name between those lips and on that tongue that made him crazy. The pressure of Connie’s heaving chest- his rapid heartbeat- Reiner felt something like he wanted to crush it under his weight. He didn’t know why and so he pushed it away, afraid. 

They had been twisted up tongue and throat on the wooden floorboards of a closet in the barracks; in the middle of the night when everyone else was asleep- that was usually their only time since training had gotten much more involved lately. There was a week or so left before they graduated. Sleep didn’t matter as much to Reiner as satisfaction. He had been pushing his body to the limit (and for what?) since he was younger than eight. Might as well treat himself now and then. 

Except it was more than now and then. He couldn’t get enough of Connie. It was an attachment so intense that it terrified him. Sure, it had started off as little more than a crush and some sexual relief, but Reiner was feeling something he’d never experienced before in his life. 

“Reiner,” Connie rested on his elbows. His eyes were like that again- exhausted, pleading, and hopelessly aroused- those eyes that Reiner couldn’t bear to meet. “Can you… try touching me this time?”

“If you want me to,” Reiner replied, breathing heavily. “I don’t know how good I’ll be though.”

“Doesn’t matter. As long as it’s you,” he grinned and bit his lip. “Just pretend I’m a boy down there too.”

Almost three years had passed since they had first fucked in the shower stall, after Reiner had seen what he really looked like. In all that time, he had not ever been allowed to touch him. Their relationship had pretty much been one-sided, with Connie doing his best to please Reiner, but getting himself off alone. Usually he didn’t even take off his underwear unless they were going all the way. It made Reiner feel like an asshole, but he knew why and didn’t push anything. Connie liked kissing a lot, and being caressed and held, and of course, making Reiner feel good- that had had to be enough until now. 

As Reiner sat back to allow Connie room to sit up and pull off his shirt, he thought of that first night. The pink scars had faded white under his nipples by now. And his muscles were well-developed from training, and stood out especially since he’d started testosterone injections. As far as Reiner had heard, only Sasha and himself knew. 

“Come on,” Connie drew forward into Reiner’s lap, taking him by his shirt collar, and dipping his tongue into Reiner’s mouth. “You know how to start.”

How was it that this boy had only had one sexual partner in his life and he could talk this sexy? Yeah, Reiner knew how to start. He put his lips to the corner of Connie’s mouth and began working his way down from there; Connie’s lithe neck arced gracefully to the side as Reiner traced his jaw with his tongue. He was moving sensually, rubbing up against Reiner’s bulge, and making little noises in his throat, the front of his throat which Reiner was sucking on. His Adam's apple moved in his mouth. 

“You’re so hard,” he whispered onto Reiner’s shoulder. “Want me to go down on you first? I can wait.”

“No,” Reiner said, and bit into the side of his neck, eliciting a gasp. “I can wait. I wanna see _you_ come undone this time.”

Connie chuckled then, blushing. “I hope I don’t disappoint.” It was said with less confidence than he usually exuded, but that was even more intimidating to Reiner, since he had next to no experience pleasuring someone else, much less someone without a cock. He’d probably disappoint, rather than the other way around. 

Why was it that Connie’s heart always beat so fast like this? Now as he swept across Reiner’s broad back with his cold, thin fingers, Reiner could feel that he was shaking. 

With a tinge of pity, he bit his shoulder, and kissed all the way back to the boy’s lips before lowering him onto their abandoned shirts on the floor. 

“You’re so handsome, Connie,” he said, swelling inside. His boxers felt tight. Without waiting for a response, Reiner took him by the waist and began licking his right nipple. He tasted so clean- not without sweat, but just clean. Pinching the other between his fingers, he mouthed the bud and sucked, listening for Connie’s voice, and when he didn’t hear it, he bit down gently. 

“Mm!” There it was, coming out unevenly like he’d been stifling it before. 

“You okay?” Reiner murmured as he lifted his face and moved to the other side. 

The boy’s chest rose and fell with discomfort. “Yeah,” he said unsteadily, “keep going.”

Reiner stroked up his middle, feeling his way around Connie’s ribs and just beneath his armpits, continuing to wet the nipple with the flat of his tongue, and then again sucking. 

Connie squirmed, moving the fabric on Reiner’s wet tip against his concealed opening. Removing himself from his lover’s body for a moment, Reiner pulled Connie’s underwear off, grinding a bit into his wetness almost involuntarily, and watching his face as he did so. Connie’s eyes were squeezed shut, biting and tearing at his own bottom lip, and his arms dropped from around Reiner to the top of his chest. 

“Hey, it’s not like you’re a girl; don’t hide yourself,” Reiner said. He took Connie’s wrists with one hand, bringing them over the boy’s head and pinning them to the ground. 

“I know. This is all just really new,” Connie replied, but didn’t open his eyes. His lips were parted ever so slightly; the older boy took the chance to slip himself between those lips, giving him a deep, reassuring kiss, thrusting his tongue down, and bucking gently again into that sweet spot between Connie’s legs. 

“Can you look at me?” Reiner asked. He wanted Connie so bad, but he couldn’t do this unless he knew Connie wanted him too. So when he obeyed, half-lidded, his eyelashes shading the green eyes which seemed brimming with something like fear and something like lust, he was almost surprised to meet them. He released his wrists. “Just… tell me if you want me to stop.”

The boy only nodded in agreement, lowering his head back down and covering his face with his upturned arms. Reiner’s focus shifted back down onto his body. It was visibly trembling beneath him, stretched out, breathing hard. He had to make this good. 

But as he positioned his head, brushing up against the inside of Connie’s thighs, Connie suddenly jolted. “Wait, don’t use your mouth! Just your fingers. For now.”

Reiner smiled. He dragged himself forward, hovering over Connie’s hot face, and kissed his forehead; reaching down with his dominant hand, he began to stroke the boy around his clit, not too far into him, but enough that his fingers curled slightly. 

“Reiner,” he breathed, staring up into his lover’s eyes. “It feels good.” And then stretched his chin up with a moan. “Ah-- Reiner, tell me what I look like right now.”

“Hm,” he replied, running his gaze over Connie’s flushed expression, continuing to slide his pointer and middle fingers over, in, and out. “I don’t know, really hot.”

Connie laughed, but it was tangled up in another moan, and that sound sent shudders through Reiner. He needed to move his dick against something, and Connie’s thigh would do. Humping there slowly, he knew he was getting his mess on the boy’s bare skin. Whatever. They could shower together after. 

Reiner kissed his neck again. His two fingertips slipping around that raised point like an oval, and then just barely, into that wet, hot place he had only ever fucked with his member. 

“ _Ahh_ , fuck, Reiner,” Connie groaned again. “ _Fuck!_ ” He closed his eyes and bit down on his lip so hard that it bled. Was this too much? His hips gyrated under Reiner’s palm, and the discharge leaked down to his other entrance. His other entrance. The way he felt between Reiner's fingers was dysphoric. He wasn't stroking up and down his shaft- he didn't have one to stroke. “Wait,” he grabbed Reiner’s hand, stopping his movement. “Wait. I'm sorry, Reiner, I can’t do this.” The older boy was stunned. Didn’t it feel good?

“Just fuck me in the ass. You’re ready, aren’t you?”

Reiner grunted the softest affirmation, shame spreading red across his cheeks. Connie fumbled with his boxers, and didn’t even bother getting them down past his ankles before flipping over, the side of his face pressed against the floor, splitting his legs, and pulling his hole wide open with both hands on either side of his ass. 

With a confused frustration, Reiner tossed his underwear to the ground and scooted forward on his knees, holding his erection with slippery fingers. 

“Go slow,” Connie said a little vulnerably. But Reiner didn’t want to go slow. 

He pushed into Connie’s entrance with so much force that Connie had to slap his hands down to keep himself from moving forward too much. 

“Reiner!” he cried in a voice like choked silk. “That hurts!”

But he was already holding Connie hostage by the hips, pulling back and shoving himself back in again. Connie yelped, open-mouthed, tears at the corners of his eyes, and his face twisted up in pain. Why was he doing this? Reiner himself didn’t know. But he couldn’t stop now. He wouldn’t.

He thrusted into Connie again and again, each time forcing a cry from Connie’s throat, and it felt so good to watch him lie there with hot tears running down over the bridge of his nose, panting. The boy’s insides riding up and down on him, sucking his foreskin, throbbing, surrounding and encasing his furious cock. 

“Reiner! Reiner!” he was sobbing. “It hurts!” 

It was between a moan and a plea. But it wouldn’t be long if he could just hang in there. Anything Reiner felt aside from anger and guilt and absolute ecstasy, he couldn’t feel now. His mind was going hazy, and he toppled over Connie, crushing down onto him, pushing the filthy fingers he’d used just minutes before with unbelievable care into Connie’s open mouth, and holding him around the waist with his other arm. “Hah-- hah-- ahh--”

As the thrusts became faster, Connie stopped resisting and just laid there, abandoning himself to the older boy's violent will. He let out a muffled cry each time Reiner pushed in, taking his entire length down to the base. The sound of wetness stirring. And a puddle of tears and saliva pooled under Connie’s face. 

“Connie,” he grunted into his shoulder, thrusting his fingers in and out of his mouth. “Connie!”

“Uhn-- Uh! Uh! Uh!” the boy heaved beneath him. He squeezed his eyes closed as he felt Reiner tighten, bucking wildly into him. “Uh! Uh! Ahh! Ah--!”

This time Reiner filled Connie all the way up, holding there and spilling his burning hot load inside of him. Reiner groaned, going a couple more times and eliciting more hurt and stifled cries, before finally pulling out, and taking in the oozing evidence of what he had just done. 

There was nothing to be said. Connie collapsed as soon as Reiner let him go, and wept piteously into the crook of his arm. He made no effort to cover himself. His asshole was swollen, gaping red with blood, dripping Reiner’s cum. 

“What the hell is wrong with you? I said go _slow_.”

There was nothing he could say in response. There was nothing to say. He took Connie up into his arms again, this time with the tenderness from before. “I- I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Fucking lust came over you.” Connie retorted grievously. “Guess we need a safe word, Jesus.”

They both knew he wasn’t looking for Reiner to answer. But still, he didn’t struggle against Reiner’s embrace. He only thought how unfair it was of Reiner to begin crying too. 

“I love you,” Connie wept. “I was going to tell you that today.”

Why, _why_ , did Reiner have to ruin everything? How could he have done this to the person he had fallen in love with? Connie was innocent- Connie _loved_ him. But he wouldn’t have said that if he knew who Reiner really was. Probably what had happened was just a taste of the monster he knew lurked just on the other side of his consciousness. What was love when he was unlovable? What was forgiveness when he was already unforgivable. 

“You don’t have to say it back,” Connie said, faintly resentful as he noted Reiner’s hesitation. “I just wanted you to know.”

“No,” Reiner tried to pull himself together. He was trembling. “I do too, I just- have a lot of stuff going on.”

“Oh, yeah? I hadn’t noticed.”

“I know there’s nothing I can say that would make it okay- what I did. It would be such a dick move to say ‘I love you’ right now. Just-- I’m so sorry. I don’t know what that was.”

“Well I’m not forgiving you so you might as well say it anyway.”

Reiner nodded, bowing his head, horrified and ashamed. “I… I love you, Connie. I love you so much I don't know what to do.”

“Reiner…”

But the voice was different this time. He felt trapped, almost suffocated under the weight of his own guilt. He closed his eyes and everything was dark red. Connie cried there, naked in his arms for a long time, quivering.

“Reiner!”

Someone had him under the arms and was pulling backward as hard as they could. He felt something tear under his eyes, and light came rushing in. 

Ah-- he was staring down at the inside of a gutted nape. He was still knees-deep in it, and Bertoldt was working desperately to get him out. Why was he here? What was this?

“I won,” a low and sinister voice said. “Saving Annie can come later.”

It was familiar, horrible, and suddenly Reiner remembered where he’d heard it before. This was the man- the beast- who had killed Connie’s family. His spinal fluid as gas to cover the entire town of Ragako in clouds. Was he dreaming just then? Unconscious, dreaming about the old days when he had forgotten who he was? When he was afraid of who he was?

Going back for Annie. He had said that because he knew it was the only thing that either of the others would even consider. Well, he would save Annie if he had the chance, but Connie came first. Just apologizing to Connie, telling him that he was the only person Reiner had ever loved. He hated himself so much. 

“Retrieving the Coordinate is our priority, as it should be.”

He opened one eye to watch as Zeke emerged from the steam onto his titan’s hairy shoulder, his glasses shining in the sun. 

“If we just wait here, it’ll come to us.”

He was talking about Eren. At least Connie wasn’t alone. He had Eren and Sasha and Christa- no, Historia- Jean and Armin. They didn’t hate him like they hated Reiner. Because Connie was a good person.

That night, they sat atop the wall drinking hot chocolate from tin mugs. Bertoldt, ever observant, slipped Reiner some of Zeke’s weed to smoke. He went by himself to the edge, staring down at the wreckage of Eren’s hometown: Shiganshina. If he were ever to see Connie again, it would be here. And they would be enemies. They would fight, presumably to the death. No, it would only be fair to let Connie kill him.

It all came back to him- the boy’s pitiful voice as he held onto Reiner’s enormous armored hand- “Hey, you’re kidding, right? Reiner? This whole time… you kept quiet and deceived us? That’s so _cruel!_ ” He was crying. “Was everything just a lie? Remember- we talked about surviving this together? That we’d grow old, and someday we’d go out for drinks together?”

Reiner’s titan couldn’t speak. He was trapped inside this horrible, unnatural body, trapped running forward, back to his home, to his mother who he didn't know how to love, with Bertoldt and Eren protected against his neck. 

“Was _everything_ … all a lie? What were you thinking all this time?!”

Taking a drag off the blunt he’d rolled, he laid back with his arms open, as Ymir had once atop Wall Rose, and sobbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry im literally only good at writing sad shit :'( this fic was supposed to be an outlet where I could be a little more lighthearted but guess that’s not happening lol
> 
> here's a related comic/animatic i made thats actually rly cute and funny if u need to smile after this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYNEQhLHm2Y


	7. Saklas

Now he knew how Historia felt when Ymir left her. Except, he thought, she didn’t have the added burden of Ymir being a mass murderer. How was he supposed to feel? He didn’t know. He didn’t know a goddamn thing. 

It was like he had already been killed. Sometimes he wished he had just gotten his head bit off in the tower that day. Or been knocked off the wall by their transformation the next. What was he living for now? His family- Dad, Sunny, Martin- were all dead, and his mother, a monstrous pure titan. Mindless, or worse, with some remnant of consciousness. He had no one to go back to, not even Reiner’s big warm arms to wrap him in fleeting refuge. 

They had never been happy, not the way Connie wished they could’ve been, but god, they had loved each other. At least, Connie believed that Reiner had loved him; how could he know what the man’s true feelings were after he’d done so much lying? And after he’d let himself be selfish that time? Was Connie just an escape for him? An escapade? He hadn’t known, but of course, he had. Deep down. 

Mostly he tried to avoid thinking about Reiner as much as possible. It was the type of wound that would never heal. If he allowed himself to picture the way Reiner’s eyes glinted golden as he held Connie’s face to kiss, or remember his stupid, vulgar teasing- hear his handsome voice- the tears would well up and seep endlessly down his cheeks, like blood from a body streaming into the street and then the gutter in the wash of rain. It was too much to even believe. 

_Tell me face to face, you bastard!_ How cruel it was that Connie’d been forced to say it all in front of their comrades, hanging on a fucking titan hand, and to be met with his lover’s silence. His continued sprint toward the wall. And to wherever his real home was. How wrong had he been about Reiner, then, that he could take Connie in his embrace and tremble with shared grief, and in the same moment _know_ what had happened to Ragako. His neighbors and friends and his family. Hell, he’d seen what Connie’s mother had become, and he’d still let Connie give him a fucking blowjob that night! It was humiliating. He’d trusted and loved Reiner, but obviously, it had just been a projection onto a man he hadn’t known at all. The swell of affection Connie felt when they were together was one-sided. He’d made a fool of himself, like he always did. 

_His little husband. The stupid idiot hanging on his arm. On his every word._

The armor broke off a little when Eren’s wolfish titan wrestled him onto the ground and rammed his neck down. If he’d had on ODM, if he’d had blades, would he, _could_ he, have gone in for the kill? But at that point, Connie was just worried that Reiner had been caught up in the blast. While-- while Reiner was probably laughing at him. 

Well- his grip on the rag loosened- he didn’t actually believe that. It just hurt so much. They’d been together, as best friends first and lovers second, for over three years. Looking back on his life till then, it was difficult to even imagine a time before knowing him. What did that time mean to Reiner? He admired him so much, even now. Just the memory of flying through the trees together, whizzing past each other like they were kids racing, was enough to set butterflies ringing through his heart. They _had_ been kids together, just yesterday. He’d been kind, even when he was oblivious. He loved to laugh and to make Connie laugh. Regardless of what bitter truth the present forced him to swallow, Reiner had made Connie feel things he’d never expected to feel in his life. He had never faltered in his recognition of Connie as a man, but what did that respect amount to now? They had been so close to touching the dream. 

“Hey,” it was a low voice, raspy like its bearer had been doing nothing but wailing for weeks. He’d almost forgotten how to speak, Eren. Eren who had been through too much and it just kept piling on top of him. His characteristic fury was becoming despondent. This was another thing Connie couldn’t stand to witness: the suffering of his friends. They’d all lost their big brother. No, they’d been betrayed. What the flashbacks of Trost did to them now in their nightmares was like being punctured a hundred times over and it was a thousand times more painful than before. The comrades they’d lost that day hadn’t needed to die. Their first expedition into Wall Maria when Annie crushed people like it was fun. What was the point in any of it? When the culprits were pretending to fight for freedom alongside them. Pretending not to know what was beyond the walls. Pretending to devote themselves. Pretending to love. All the titans were people, but was Reiner even human?

“Hey,” Eren said again. “You didn’t even soak the rag, dumbass.” He smacked Connie on the forehead. “That doesn’t count as cleaning.”

It took Connie a second to ground himself. “Um,” he muttered almost unconsciously, shaking the fog from around his head, “that’s _genius_ to you.”

Scoffing, Eren took the hand holding the cloth and dunked it into the bucket of soapy water. “Dusting comes after scrubbing, genius.” Their eyes met- green on green. Lingered for a moment in something like depressed acknowledgement before Eren lifted Connie’s hand from the water and returned to his own duties.

“Connie, why don’t you go take care of the horses? I’m pretty sure they need to be fed,” Sasha nudged him. As always, she knew exactly what would bring him back to the world. Animals didn’t stop being innocent. They didn’t grow up and commit war crimes. 

“Jean already ate, thanks!” Eren called sarcastically, prompting the other to catapult a sopping rag at him from the other side of the room. Connie smiled, not so much at the two of them beginning another fight, but at Armin and Mikasa exchanging a look tinged with resignation. Somehow, they were managing. Historia was the only one who seemed uninterested in trying and he couldn’t blame her. She’d been parading an exhaustive facade around for who knew how long. Thinking of the childhood she’d revealed to them after Ymir left, he even felt a little guilty for having a loving mom in the first place. How could he want for Reiner’s love when he’d had so much love to begin with? 

Actually, he realized, he didn’t know if Reiner’d had that kind of love growing up either. 

Outside, the horse he was brushing stared with black eyes, lifting its head again and again for no discernible reason. Sasha had been right; he already felt less like he was about to crash his head into something. Instead, the horse snorted and reminded him to breathe. 

The place where they were stationed was remote, tucked away in the mouth of forest and cliff, for the secrecy of Eren’s titan experiments. There were pine trees here. He thought of his mom, but without really dwelling on her. This place, it could remind him of whatever memory he wanted to see again: the day Sunny found the music book he’d ripped up after some silly quarrel they’d had, and almost drowned him in the river for it; vaguely and all mixed together, his afternoons in school messing around with old friends; back when he’d had long hair and worn skirts, his first kiss; the soft, inherited duvet covers he slept under for the first seventeen years of his life; Martin sitting on Mom’s lap gazing out the window… 

Now, in the breeze brushing gently through the trees, he swore he could hear Sunny practicing on the piano at their schoolhouse. Strange to think that she and Sasha had never met. What a shame. They would’ve liked each other a lot. 

_What happened to not thinking?_ Connie asked himself, smiling sadly. 

He was a soldier. He’d become stronger than he’d ever been. There was no naivety left inside him- there couldn’t be- and he was more than well-equipped to grapple with whatever threatened the remnants of the people he cared about. But at the same time, he had never felt more delicate, like shards of glass- if someone touched him, they would feel nothing but the sharp edges where his person had shattered. 

He felt like he was already seventy years old. This must just be how life was- constantly breaking open to reveal a new, less safe one. 

The voices from inside grew closer, and the front door opened. Historia came out first with a bland expression, followed by Mikasa, Eren, Armin, Jean, and Sasha, who waved to Connie: “Are you done yet? We’re gonna go to the lake to swim!”

These faces were the only ones he had left. Just for a moment, he allowed himself to picture Reiner slinging a towel over his shoulder and laughing as he took Connie around the waist. Swimming was another thing they’d never gotten to do together. How long had it been since the departure? The violins-- so brief and so heavy. 

Connie wasn’t particularly enthusiastic about lakes, or about undressing down to his boxers in front of anyone. When he stood back on the pebbles as the shore receded into sand, covering himself shyly, Historia sat down next to him. She didn’t look like she was about to say anything, but Connie sat down anyway. The others were splashing around before them, and he giggled to himself watching Mikasa squeal that something slimy had just touched her foot. Nothing, not even a flicker of gladness, not even involuntary, showed on Historia’s face. This was his friend too. What would Ymir have said? Surprised at the sudden lightheartedness he felt, he thought of Ymir ordering her another beer. Historia drunk was always pretty funny to watch. She was half the type to go hugging up on everybody telling them how much they meant to her, insisting aggressively that if they ever needed someone, they had to tell her. And her other type was swearing like a sailor, even to her own dismay, and pressing sloppy kisses onto Ymir's thin lips. The flush he remembered on her cheeks was the same then as it was when she'd gotten up on the ledge of the tower, and he'd instinctively held onto her to keep her from falling over, yelling that Ymir better not die here since she was already going to hell.

“Guess we’re in the same boat, huh,” Connie said, leaning over to bump her with his shoulder. 

Historia’s tired voice was lilted like honey on the air. “Guess so.”

“So how’s it feel, you know, to be a distinguished member of the Idiot Fag Collective?”

She hardly even sighed. “Bad. I feel like… I’m underwater. Staring up at the world.”

It was the most honestly she’d ever talked to him, and he hardly knew what to say. What could he say, when he could hardly take care of himself?

“Is that why you don’t want to swim?”

“Not really. I don’t know how to.”

This was an opportunity! “I can teach you, if you want,” Connie offered cheerfully. She shook her head, but Connie continued urging her, “it’s not hard, I promise! C’mon, it’ll be fun.” 

“No,” Historia shifted away, sullenly. “I don’t want to do anything. I just wanna sit here. But you don’t have to stay with me if you want to go swim with the others.”

Ah-- he resettled himself, letting his face fall the way it wanted to. They really were the same. He slumped forward, his chin on his knees. It was like he was sitting beside a mirror. “Well, I don’t really care what I’m doing anymore.”

At this, Historia finally turned to look at him. “At least Reiner had some kind of objective. He didn’t just turn away from you for no reason.” The words were spat bitterly, without the angelic compassion she'd been so beloved for, but he could hear her voice quaver.

“Yeah, and at least Ymir wasn’t a traitor. She didn’t break the walls and destroy everything. She only revealed herself to save you.”

He was watching the yellow sun set into the water, where it spread and smeared like flecks of paint across the waves. Historia dropped her gaze to the ground, playing absently with the shells she found in the sand. The red scarf Mikasa wore like a part of her own body lay folded on her pleated skirt, and Historia traced its fringes. 

“It just sucks,” she said after a while, and burst into quiet tears. “I feel like such a fool!”

With a sympathetic scoff, he put an arm around her shoulders. “Me too.”

He noticed that Eren had emerged from the lake and was making his way up to where they sat huddled together. His dark brows were furrowed in concern, but it was obvious from his face that he already knew what they were talking about. “You guys okay?” He wasn’t asking for a response, really. 

Apparently Historia didn’t even care about hiding her tears. She looked up at Eren as he jogged over, dripping cold water and carrying the scent of lake water, and even chuckled a little when he accidentally kicked sand into Connie’s eyes. 

They were sad, and angry, and confused, but they were coping. Eren understood that. Historia knew he did. At the root of all of his rage and violence, he was a traumatized, eternally-mourning little boy still. At least, she could recognize, Ymir had chosen to go willingly to wherever she was now.

“Historia! Connie! Come swim before it gets too dark!” Armin shouted just before he was tackled, splashing, by Jean. As the brunette offered his hand to Historia and she, still sniveling, took it, Mikasa stared up at them with a sweet smile- she had been a child when she first experienced the cracking open of her life. Sasha came bounding out of the water toward Connie, stripping him of his remaining clothes, and of any time to get embarrassed. 

It was Mikasa who taught Historia how to float and tread water. And it was Connie who Eren slept beside that night, tasting of lake and the salt of grief.


	8. Nebro

The man he loved glowed like fire. Lightning crackled around his writhing body, there heaving on the dirt, having fallen from his hole in the wall, a shining silver line on either side of his neck. The captain, without hesitating even a second, had stabbed him through; another broken blade was lodged in Reiner’s chest. Where his heart was not. But his eyes still moved, still glared back, prompting the captain to immediate flight. And then, again like before, he was obscured by an explosion of smoke, bone, muscle, and armor, with the nape of his neck shielded on the ground. 

No, Connie knew he wouldn’t have died that easily. All one needed to trigger the titan transformation was a wound that bled, even as insignificant as a scrape or a small cut. These injuries were more than enough and he would heal from them. He wouldn’t allow himself to be killed yet, not before fighting whatever his good fight was. 

Preparing the mission to reclaim Wall Maria and Shinganshina, he had wondered whether Reiner would even confront them. It seemed, though he couldn’t say much not having known a whole half of Reiner, that the man knew only how to crush everything and then disappear. But they (whoever  _ they  _ were) wanted Eren for his power, and so if Eren came to plug the wall, the Scouts had to assume Reiner and Bertoldt would be there. 

Connie, even from under his cloud of doubt, knew that Reiner would be waiting there. Waiting to fight him to the death. Or if nothing else, to bring their past to a brutal end. 

It was Armin who’d thought to look inside the walls. Armin was at once the most panicked he’d been and the most brilliant. As much as Connie admired that brilliance, he thought reservedly to himself that it was better to be an idiot. On top of feeling bad generally, Armin couldn’t turn away from his private stream of thought and conjecture. And the resulting fear, the thousand-pound pressure, marked every shadow in his face. 

When he’d heard Armin yell Reiner’s name, and whipped around to see Captain Levi nosedive off of the side of the wall, propelling himself downward with as much gas as he could use, Connie didn’t know what he was expecting to feel. So much had happened since he’d lost him. It almost seemed like the person he had been, then, with Reiner, was as far away as a dream he’d forgotten in the morning. But still, still he didn’t want Reiner to be gone. To leave the earth where they had been in love. It wasn’t something he needed to worry about yet, evidently; Reiner’s titan took up a whole block of the neighborhood he’d transformed on top of, and he lay there grinding his rock-solid jaw. 

With fear clutching his throat, Connie watched the Beast Titan on the horizon lift his spindly fingers to summon a mob of pure titans that surrounded them. Sasha squeezed Connie’s shoulder, and from the feeling of her hand he knew that she was just as terrified. This would be a battle to the death. It would be a massacre. But that’s what every mission the Scouts went on turned out to be. They had already survived enough. They would survive again, and again. Or not. And if they didn’t, they wouldn’t be around to care anymore. 

_ Okay, enough thinking, Connie. _

If nothing else, he had a duty. He was a soldier. That was the only thing he could offer up to the nostalgic mirage of his life, once, back home. Signing and receiving letters, his report cards, birthday party invitations, stamped with his Ragako address.

Reiner had already killed him. It was no longer the time to mourn. 

* * *

Eren had knocked an entire half of Reiner’s face clean off by the time the signal came. That side was red, defiled by blood, open to the air, and that eye was as piercing as a flash grenade. Their squad had been waiting on the roofs, watching carefully for an opening, and moving quickly in the wake of the wrestling giants. They followed at a distance, finally gathering in a tighter circle when Eren flipped Reiner’s titan and he went tumbling forward under the force of his own tremendous weight. 

Hanji and Mikasa went soaring in first, shooting one spear each into Reiner’s eyes. He hardly reacted to their advancement. It seemed like he hadn’t anticipated anything like the thunder spears; what, did he think they’d just mope around after he and Bertoldt fled? The Corps of Engineers had designed this weapon specifically for his armor, having uncovered secret preserved records of technology from the days before the walls were erected. This was after the uprising, after they’d learned what the Reiss family had been doing underground, and after Historia had been crowned queen. She’d punched the captain for god’s sake! Had Reiner really thought they wouldn’t keep on fighting for information, security, freedom? For so long, he’d had the upper hand. But now, his information on them was out of date, and they shot explosives straight into his eyes. He was blinded. 

Connie, Jean, Sasha, and six others went flying toward him, maneuvering with the expertise of veterans. To think that Connie had once gilded on a trajectory of sunbeams beside the man he was now aiming to kill! He hardly noticed the beads of sweat on his forehead as they cascaded back into his hair. At this point he could only keep his eyes open wide so that the tears would not block his vision.  _ Not now!  _ Like blades and gas, the thunder spears had to be used cautiously. There were only so many of them; they could not afford to miss. 

They shot all nine spears into Reiner before he had a chance to think about what was hitting him. Ah! He was connected to him again- by a spider’s thread for the briefest of moments- before he and the other scouts ripped the wire triggers from the spears. He turned back to face Reiner, wanting at least to bear witness to this death. The bombardment’s combined explosion knocked Connie’s grapple hooks loose. Immediately, he lost his balance and turned backward somersaults in the air as his hooded cape flipped up into his face. He barely managed to catch himself on a nearby roof, where he landed hard. In a kind of shock, he refocused on Reiner’s nape. It was a crater, and the remaining armor was separated into small chunks. But-- it wasn’t enough, he realized, just as Hanji barked, “Attack again! Finish him off!”

_ Reiner…  _ Could he do what he’d just done again? Sasha was aghast too. Jean swung around with condemnation in his face and yelled, “I thought you guys were ready if it ever came to this!” As if there could’ve been an alternative. No, they had to kill Reiner or he would massacre them. The devastation intrinsic to his determined expression reminded Connie of that fact. They were enemies now. “Let’s do it!”

Reiner didn’t have a chance. 

* * *

The picture of his mother helplessly collapsed on their house, each of her green eyes which he had inherited now bigger than his head, was forever scorched into his memory. It was vague what happened before or afterward- all he knew was that face. The familiar strands of graying hair flopping over his bedroom window. The distortion and destruction of someone he loved. 

Now here was a new image: Reiner stretched back in the muscles of his hunched-over, steaming titan, his head blown off entirely from the lower jaw. The blood was evaporating almost as quickly as it spurted from his neck. The others were cheering. On some plane, he knew that the celebration was one of desperate relief more than of victory, but their shouting made him sick. He shut his eyes tightly, one fist on either side of his face covering his ears, and curled up and sobbed. Hearing Sasha’s sniffles beside him was the only presence he could even acknowledge. This was the worst he’d ever felt in his life.  _ Why did it have to be like this? _ The tears wouldn’t stop streaming down his miserable cheeks, even when Jean dragged them both up by the collar. 

“What the hell are you crying for?!” he demanded. “We’re the ones who killed him!” Of course the choke in his voice gave away how much he wanted to abandon the front and cry with them too. But Connie couldn’t have uttered anything even if he’d had something to say. There was no way he could tell himself anymore that the love he had for Reiner had been swallowed by hate. This was the present and the truth, even if he’d had no choice: he had murdered the person he loved. He wished that Sunny really had drowned him in the river all those years ago. It was too much. Now he was melting into one. 

It was over, at least. Reiner was dead.

Until he wasn’t-- with a great deal of effort, the Armored Titan dropped open its mouth, and let out a scream. It wasn’t one of pain, it was a last-ditch cry for help. After only a few moments of the scouts’ stunned silence, there appeared on the horizon, flying over the wall from the direction of the Beast, a wooden barrel. 

* * *

They’d fled from Reiner’s vicinity to avoid getting blasted away by Bertoldt’s nuclear-mushrooming transformation. When he didn’t transform, when Armin had pleaded that they talk it out before slaughtering each other, Connie stood back, apprehensive, by Eren’s titan with the others. Listening to Bertoldt call them all treasured comrades, and in the same breath stating that they would all have to die. Not just them, here, but every single person within the walls. Where was the friend who had promised them that he’d only gotten this blood on his hands because  _ someone  _ had to? Was that what Reiner wanted for humanity as well- death? Extinction? 

_ Dammit,  _ Connie thought acridly,  _ why can’t he just die? _

Hanji and a number of experienced scouts had used the opportunity to fly back toward Reiner, to finish him off. There was no conceivable way he could regenerate his entire brain fast enough to avoid their onslaught. (But then, there’d been no way he could’ve survived decapitation, and yet he had.) A waterfall of emotions was coursing through Connie- relief that he  _ had  _ survived, anger that he wouldn’t just let it end already, fear of losing him again, repulsion toward what he had seen of his lover’s mutilated body, the grief of doing it himself, paralysis knowing with certainty now that Reiner wanted him and everyone else dead, guilt because he couldn’t stop thinking- now wasn’t the time!-, restless desperation to feel Reiner’s warm cheek nestled up against his own- as he saw the gleam of Mikasa’s blade swing ruthlessly and blood splashing out where Bertoldt’s ear had been. 

Now, having no more reason to talk, with gentle eyes, he soared away and up, gaining the colossal height he would need to transform. It was relentless- they had time only to take cover behind a stone house before the explosion flattened Eren’s city. And its epicenter was so near to where they’d left Reiner. It was practically inescapable for the scouts who’d returned to him. So, this history would repeat itself again- death on death on death and for what. Connie hardly knew why he was fighting anymore, or rather, what it was he was fighting against.  _ Why  _ was it so bad to want the freedom Eren said they had a birthright to? Why did they have to do battle like this just to reach a place where walls and titans didn’t obstruct their view of the sky? Why would Reiner sing to him about the ‘sea’ rushing to shore, and do everything in his power to keep Connie from seeing it? He held onto the window frame of the house, his head tucked down to avoid the glass shattering on his shoulders. The cobblestone alley below them trembled. When he could finally raise his eyes, Bertoldt’s sixty-meter titan was waving destruction over them with one hand, spreading fire everywhere. 

He was past his limit now. The stress made his mind numb, his limbs limp. What if one of those burning houses was Eren’s? What had they come all this way for if the sacred information they sought was reduced to ash?

Eren’s house… the word for house was  _ ie _ . And the question-particle  _ ga _ . Even in this apocalypse, he couldn’t help himself. It was the only train of thought that was still on the rails, connected to any semblance of sanity- 

“What if one of those houses is Eren’s? Eren’s…  _ ie-ga _ ?” Eren’s Yeager. With a horrible face, Connie began cackling aloud to himself, completely detached from the destruction of the world around him, for a moment, laughing at his own joke the way he used to. What the fuck even was this anymore? Was he having a nightmare? Somewhere distant, he heard Jean asking Sasha to hit him. She obliged, bringing him back. 

They were waiting on Armin to direct them. Hanji was presumably dead, or occupied with Reiner. Already, the fires had engulfed an entire district of Shinganshina as the Colossal Titan marched slowly toward the wall- toward Captain Levi’s group, and the horses. It was like staring straight into hell on earth. Armin’s gaze was blank, petrified, telling the six of them still alive that if there was a plan, he didn’t have it. Probably there wasn’t any way to survive this, much less win. They couldn’t escape to the river without letting Bertoldt reach the wall. And their ODM was basically useless against his steam emission. Eren’s titan only measured up to his shins. 

And then from amidst the chaos, the figure Connie dreaded seeing now more than anything returned: Reiner, again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> connie brain broke
> 
> lmk what you think in the comments! genuinely wanna know... and u guys haven't been commenting as much plz i need the validation


	9. Salvation

He, Mikasa, Jean, and Sasha watched slack-jawed as the Colossal Titan fell. When Armin had declared in a voice both enthralled and suicidal that he and Eren alone could bring Bertoldt down, Connie didn’t have the time or presence of mind to do more than blindly believe him. If Mikasa had left it to them, he had no other option but to do the same. But still, was it possible? He would’ve thought it was more likely he was hallucinating, except that his own dismay was plastered likewise on each of his comrades’ faces. That figure perched like a mosquito on the titan’s neck and digging in to rip its shifter out-- was it Eren? Or was it Armin? 

They could not afford to preoccupy themselves with this one victory, though. He shook, channeling the panic into steadier breathing, and clung to the hip of the roof, his wire staying him to the remnants of its chimney. The Beast Titan was still on the other side of the wall, and there was also that other grotesque titan on all-fours. And Reiner, of course, kneeling right here between the houses. 

The four of them combined had only three thunderspears left. How would they do this when their entire stock hadn’t been enough to kill him the first time? Even if he was immobile- Mikasa having cut through the back of his knee- and even if Bertoldt had been defeated. They couldn’t afford to fuck it up this time. No matter how much he felt like dying, he wouldn’t let Reiner kill him again, nor any of the others. 

“Like this-” Jean commanded, fitting well into the role, “Connie and Sasha shoot him on either side of the jaw, here,” he had touched his face just before the ear, where lower and upper jaws met. “And when his mouth is hanging open, Mikasa shoots directly down his throat.” Kind of like when Eren pummeled those explosives into Rod Reiss’s half shaved-off head and his nape went flying out across the skyline. Compared to then, this would be much easier; the Armored Titan was not even a fraction of how big that one had been, there wasn’t the pressure of protecting an entire civilian population, and by now Reiner had to be exhausted. But Connie was exhausted too.

His ears were ringing in anticipation. This would be it. To kill him thrice over. 

There was a gentle hand on his shoulder, and for a moment all he knew was that he was asleep beside his lover, who was now waking him. But when he returned to the world, he looked up to see Sasha’s eyes staring into his; determined, sad, and endlessly caring. She was holding him- he had blacked out for a moment, dipping backward into unconsciousness. 

If they were to save themselves, he had to do this. Just feel it all- the panic and pain, strength and fragility, the hate and love, the will to live and the desire to die- and do it anyway. Was this how Reiner had felt when he destroyed them? That it had to be done, in spite of everything in him wanting desperately to just _stop_? He had to believe, at least, in the Reiner he’d once known. And the Reiner he had known would not do this with all of himself in perfect accord. 

_What_ , he wondered vaguely, _was it that Reiner was willing to risk everything for?_ At one point, he would’ve imagined it was him, Connie, even with some sweet, shy guilt at the selfish prospect. It couldn’t be that he was _that_ important to the man, he’d thought, like somehow his acknowledgement of its unlikelihood would absolve him of guilt in fate’s eye, and it would therefore become true. But he’d been right: he _wasn’t_ what Reiner would give everything to protect. The sting of his own stupidity went to his palms, gripping the ODM triggers, and he nodded to Sasha- he was okay. If he hated Reiner, that wasn’t what was driving him forward now. 

Jean led the way from behind, sprinting over the shingles and yelling Reiner’s name, as the twins curved on his either side. In a split second, the titan had swept his dominant hand across the roofs- Sasha’s side, where Jean was also- spilling shrapnel throughout their vicinity. Before him, Sasha threw her spear, but it hit some of the airborne fragments of roof and exploded. He threw his own into Reiner’s jaw and pulled the wire back, knowing it had hit its target without looking. It was like hitting a wall. He zoomed through the rubble, hugging Sasha’s limp form out of the air and retreating to another house farther from the scene. 

“Jean!” he cried, looking over his shoulder and catching a glimpse of him nearby, curled up clutching at his arm. Thank god, he was still conscious. Seemed okay. 

Blood was pouring down Sasha’s face from somewhere on her head, wet in her hair-- _No!_ No, he wouldn’t lose her too. Nothing else mattered now. It’d been so long since he’d felt this. He was no longer thinking of Reiner at all, not of himself or his loss. None of it mattered. It was all stupid and meaningless. He was terrified because Sasha had missed her shot, and now the titan’s mouth was not open for Mikasa as they’d planned. But it was out of his power. 

It was strange to be the one holding her, holding her here in the world. The last family he had left, or more like, the other half of himself. Sasha could not die. Not of blunt force trauma or of blood loss or anything else while Connie was alive. They would go home together to her village in the mountains, in the pine trees, and he’d meet her father, and they’d all stuff their faces with freshly-grilled meat. His mind was no longer processing emotion or thought beyond that beautiful, bittersweet image; it was instinctively that he shed his jacket and tore strips of cloth from his shirtsleeves, wrapping Sasha’s head as tightly as his trembling fingers could manage, raising his eyes to assess how the situation was unfolding in the wake of his flight. Reiner was in the same position, his teeth slightly parted- room enough perhaps for an arm to slip through. 

“Mikasa! It’s too risky!” From her ready stance, he could tell that she was still planning to attack. If any of them were to survive this, it would be her- actually even in spite of everything, it was unimaginable to him that she would be killed- but she was not immune to grievous injury. 

“No, it’s perfect!” Someone’s voice shouted above him. 

* * *

He stood over Reiner’s torso as it steamed, unfolding the paper. The man was nearly dead, his head not yet fully regenerated, and his eyes burnt out by Mikasa’s explosion. Hanji, who’d seemingly returned from death to bring about the opening of the Armored Titan’s mouth, had tried to question him to no avail. Not willing to take any more chances, they began to slice into his neck, stopping only when they found a metal tin in his shirt pocket. Inside were two small notes. One was addressed to him. 

Mikasa was wrapping Jean’s broken arm with the last of their medical supplies. They’d laid Sasha down to rest nearby. She would be alright, Hanji had assured him. It was probably a bad concussion, but she’d survive. Hanji only had one working eye themself.

The remaining gas in each of their tanks was miniscule, hardly enough to travel a kilometer’s distance, much less carry the man’s dead weight and Sasha’s. Before flying to wherever Eren and Armin were waiting for them, they would have to decide what to do with Reiner. It would be a little time before they were able to regroup and ascend the wall. 

Hanji sent Mikasa as a solo envoy to see what their situation was. If Bertoldt or the Beast Titan had died, they would keep Reiner alive to feed to someone, and Mikasa would bring back the injection. And if either of them were still alive and incapacitated, or if for some reason she couldn’t obtain the injection, they would kill Reiner immediately on her signal. Probably chop him up into little pieces just to make sure he actually died this time. Either way, this day would be Reiner’s last. 

Connie began to read, his throat tight, dry, and bated. 

_Dear Connie,_

_If you’re reading this, you got me so I guess it’s only fair to give it all up._

_I can’t say anything but that I’m sorry. For everything. You were the only thing that mattered to me in the time we spent together, so much so I lost myself. I wish things could’ve been different. I wish I could make you believe, but I know the things I’ve done and how the world we live in is. If there’s a heaven I hope you get to it. I have no right to ask this of you, but still this is my dying wish so, remember me in hell when you’re up there. Even if you hate me forever, I will always love you._

_Please deliver Ymir’s letter to Christa for me._

_\-- Reiner_

There were scratched-out, illegible words under these, phantom smudged sentences, and creases where the eraser had presumably pulled too much on the paper. “Were you high when you wrote this, bastard?” Connie cried, nearly hysterical. “This is the worst handwriting I’ve ever seen! And it’s also the sappiest thing you’ve ever fucking said to me.” He turned from the letter to its writer.

Reiner couldn’t shake his head no, as his throat was slashed, but he mumbled “drunk.”

Being this close to Reiner again was something like exhilaration, but in the most depleted way. It was how he felt going home to Ragako every once in a while to search for something new in the ruins. Seeing his mother like that. Reiner hardly resembled himself: his golden hair was gone, his limbs severed, his face a horrible mess of deteriorated skin. But at least the man was not resisting anymore, knowing the game was up. His honesty was complete now; the amnesiac barriers had dropped away, there was no more wrestling with himself and no more holding himself back. Connie could sense enough that Reiner had not accepted who he was and what he’d done. But he was prepared to suffer the consequences. Even if he’d been able to run away, he wouldn’t.

“Reiner…” Connie whimpered as his enduring strength left him. “ _Why?_ ” He fell involuntarily to his knees. 

The man was in and out of consciousness, choking on his own crimson spit, but Connie couldn’t bear it anymore, whether Reiner heard him or not. 

“You promised me,” Connie wiped his cheeks, replacing his suddenly streaming tears with Sasha’s blood, “that we’d grow old together…”

The shadows of wrecked buildings stretched blue on the ground, blue like a quiet reflection of the sky. Other than the breeze, Connie’s small sobs, and his lover’s occasional hacking, Shinganshina was silent. Almost peaceful. If this had been another life, maybe Connie would be lying under the sheets late stifling his giggles at how cute Reiner’s sleeping face was. He’d get to see how Reiner aged, where his wrinkles appeared and tease him when he started graying. This was the man he’d wanted to bring home to his parents. This was the man he wanted to marry. He folded and pocketed the letter. 

Leaning forward, he placed his hand on Reiner’s shoulder, and gently, gently, kissed his lips. No more hurting. Not in the moments before he had to die.

A sharp blast shattered the stillness, and Connie pulled back in shock. A red flare was shooting up from less than maybe three-hundred meters away. Mikasa’s signal to kill Reiner! Dread wrenched whatever tranquility he’d remembered tasting his lover’s mouth again, even if it was the taste of iron. 

But before any of them had a chance to move, the ground began to tremble, and Jean screamed, leaping up to push Hanji out of the way of the quadruped titan as it galloped toward them. Connie rushed to Sasha and smashed them both against the wall of the house, watching the titan pick up Reiner in its elongated muzzle, staring wide-eyed at the man riding on top of it. _What--? What?_ He was bearded, blond, with streaks of red lining his eyes. Somehow he reminded Connie of Eren, but-- _the Beast Titan?_

“ _Shit!_ ” Letting Sasha back down swiftly, he shot forward on adrenaline fumes, chasing after the man who he knew had killed his family, and who was now fleeing with his last chance of justice, however despicable that justice was. He was flying faster than ever before. _You can’t take him too! I won’t let you!_ Rage coursed through his body, incredulous rage, a darkness that would not hesitate to murder. For revenge, to get Reiner back, even for nothing. That vile beast, that _fucking monkey_ \-- he would get it, and he would kill it. 

“Connie!” Hanji called out to him furiously. “Don’t chase!”

In confusion more than obedience, he stopped slinging himself forward and landed, turning back, waiting for them to detail whatever plan they had. 

“We hardly have any gas left! You’ll just end up getting killed.” 

Jean was pounding the dirt, shaking and yelling curses. Ah-- then there wasn’t a plan. They had lost Reiner to his salvation. The paper in Connie’s pocket crumpled with his movement. 

“Let’s join the others,” Hanji said, because there was nothing else they could do.

* * *

The body… scorched black… teeth protruding where the skin of his face had been burned away… was Armin?

“No way,” Connie whispered as he gained a foothold, carrying Sasha on his back. If he’d thought he couldn’t take any more devastation--

The friend whose eyes held the blue of a dream he alone believed in, the man who struggled so diligently in training, who had taken Historia’s place and got assaulted, who had dirtied his hands with human blood to save Jean, who had saved them all at every turn? This charred form in front of him… was _Armin_?

The roof was a resting grounds for three bodies, though the other two were far more recognizable: Bertoldt with a pink, fleshy, hollowed face, and Commander Erwin on the brink of death. Captain Levi, covered in blood, opened the case with the injection. 

Then Mikasa was screaming, blades out, wailing like he’d never heard before as Hanji held her back. It was a horrible sound- Mikasa’s crying. They were going to use it on Erwin, Connie realized as his heart lurched, and let Armin die.

“Mikasa!” Hanji shouted. “You have to know how much we need Erwin! We can’t let the flames of hope extinguish inside the walls!”

 _But that was such a terrible way to say it_ , Connie thought privately.

“Armin could do that too!” Mikasa bawled. 

“It’s true Armin is exceptional,” Hanji pleaded, “but he doesn’t have Erwin’s leadership or experience!” As if that would matter to Mikasa. If anything, Armin could learn those things if he had the chance to keep living! They were just barely into their twenties, for god’s sake. The things Armin had done for humanity within only the past few months were unprecedented. And, Connie balled his fists a little ashamedly, even if the Commander was a good strategist, his best skill was making emboldened speeches. What would that matter in comparison?

Mikasa was her deadly self now, tightly holding Hanji’s wrist as if she were about to break it. 

“There are people I want to bring back, too,” Hanji said with some effort. “Hundreds of them. But you know, don’t you?” This seemed to get through to her. She did know. She’d known since she was nine. “ _No matter who it is, there comes a day when we have to say goodbye._ ” 

Here she was, losing family again. Her hand dropped in resignation, and she just wept.

“Captain,” Eren said, grabbing Levi’s ankle. Connie hadn’t even noticed him crawling up the roof from the gutter with only half a mouth of teeth, and tears running down his cheeks, dripping off of his chin. “Do you know… about the sea?

“No matter how far you look,” Eren continued when Levi didn’t respond, “it stretches past the horizon. It’s a gigantic lake. Armin said… there’s a sea beyond the walls.” Floch, a recruit Connie had never particularly liked, was pinning Eren’s arms down and when that didn’t work, dragging him backward, but Eren continued with a gut-wrenching sob. The same one that Connie had listened to in the cave where Eren’s father had stolen the Founding Titan from Historia’s. 

_Why does the sun go on shining?_ _Why does the sea rush to shore?_

“He said we’d go there together. That was our dream since we were little, but I forgot it a long time ago! Avenging my mom… killing the titans… the only thoughts in my head are full of hate! But he’s not like that!” Eren pivoted back toward Armin’s body. “Armin cares about more than just fighting! _He has dreams!_ ” The desperation in his voice choked him, then. 

Connie, reflexively, wondered if Reiner had dreams. He wondered if, without his family and without Reiner, he himself still had dreams. 

The captain had listened to all of it. That was the least he could do for Armin’s friends in his last moments. Now it was over. With the command wrought by facing death over and over throughout his life, Levi ordered them all off the roof- he was going to turn Erwin into a pure titan and feed Bertoldt to him. That was the best option, even if it was the worst. 

“Armin…” Connie breathed like a prayer. “See you.” With Sasha collapsed on top of him piggy-back style, he descended.

But when the titan lifted its head, it was a corpse-like version of Armin’s. It _was_ Armin. The few surviving soldiers of the Scout Regiment watched in astonishment as it took up Bertoldt, who had seemingly forgotten where they stood and yelled for their help, and crushed his skull between its teeth. 

And it was Armin who emerged from the disintegrating skeleton, surrounded by his friends, unconscious but healed. Saved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pour one out w me i made myself cry


	10. Consummation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *tw suicide attempt

Connie’s back was turned to him, and Reiner traced the lissome line of his spine with two fingers. He was such a beautiful boy, Reiner thought. His waist was thin, like a girl’s, his shoulders while athletic were more suited to flexibility than to brute strength. He was so supple soaring through the trees on his projection of wings. Like a brush of wind- up and away. Lying on the sheets, though, he sunk down sore and sleepy, his cheek a little rounder pressed against the pillow. Reaching his lower back prompted a giggle out of Connie, and he squirmed and flipped over. His jade eyes fixed on Reiner’s gilded ones. 

“Ticklish?” Reiner asked amusedly. 

“Nuh-uh,” the boy replied, raising his eyebrows as if to say  _ try it _ . “Just happy.”

Reiner’s heart swelled as the smile in his lips widened, despite the tinge of embarrassment that always came with meaning something to somebody. Sunbeams touched the blushing curtains, shyly, and bathed their little square of light in a pinkish glow. This must be heaven. It was hardly real to Reiner, waking up to this face before him, morning breath and the corners of his eyes sprinkled with sand and all; he tried to suppress the feelings of unreality that lingered on his person. Make sure that this experience was really his and Connie’s together, not just his mind providing for him in dreams what he could not live in the day. But the sun was rising, and even in the budding daytime, Connie was here. He caressed the boy’s cheek and forgot to remember why he didn’t deserve this. 

“Let’s not wake up,” he sighed contentedly. “It’s still early.”

“Mm, fine by me,” Connie murmured, stretching and resettling- or flopping, rather- back into Reiner’s arms. 

They could think about all the things they were needed to do later, at breakfast with the others, after they’d tumbled down the stairs of the makeshift barracks they were stationed in: near to Trost to be more readily available for cleanup. Actually it was just a hotel which had been repurposed for the week. While the circumstances were certainly dire, Reiner had to admit how nice it was to have private rooms, and coffee!, and fresh-baked croissants. Yesterday they had pledged their allegiance to the Scout Regiment. That, also, they could think about later. Marco they could think about later.

For now, he would bask in this moment with Connie, so full of love and peace he didn’t know what to do. Barely he felt on the fringes of his consciousness a longing- as if this could not last- to just die right here in his lover’s warm embrace. What did any of it matter, gazing into those eyes? The Scouts-- the titans-- his hometown-- like a picture frame he tipped over on the nightstand. 

Surely something this pure, pure enough to make up for all the bad, could not exist on earth. But wherever he was up in the clouds, he would melt right into it, stop worrying about everything else. He didn’t need anything else. 

“I love you, Connie.” 

If Reiner’s mother had ever told him that she loved him, he couldn’t remember it. So the words were unfamiliar on his tongue and strangely looming in the air. He’d have to get used to them by practicing more. 

Dimples appeared under the boy’s eyes. He scooted forward, even closer, to give Reiner a peck on the forehead. “I love you too.” They were wrapped together, limb over limb, closed in a loose hug, breathing softly as though asleep. Connie’s pajama shorts grazing over Reiner’s bare legs. His fingertips on the elastic band of Reiner’s boxers. 

Last night and this morning, the sex was different. He hadn’t dared touch Connie again since the last time. But what had seemed like the end for them just a couple weeks ago was no longer so important to Connie, it appeared, because he had instigated it both times. Because of Trost, even something like Reiner’s sins had dimmed in comparison, and he was just glad that the two of them were still alive. The sounds that he made under Reiner’s lips were sweet, hushed, beside his ear, leaving Reiner hot but with chills. Spellbound, Reiner let Connie take his hands and place them on his skin, stroking up and down his body. He was moving his hips sensually against him- encouraging, since Reiner was obviously not going to take the initiative. But it was clear that Connie’s playful touch was arousing him; aside from his rosy cheeks, there was hard evidence as such. 

It was like being a kid again, or rather, being childlike in a way he’d never gotten to be back then. When he’d first met Connie, he’d worried that he may have gone through more than he let on. Was the glow he exuded- spots of emerald light, a flecked painting of the tree canopy- genuine? Had something happened to him, back then, that he was trying to laugh through the wreckage of? But Reiner’s projection was not Connie’s reflection. He had been a happy kid, he had a loving family, and while he’d been bullied for being trans, he’d never lost sight of himself. He was proud of who he was. 

So being next to him, caressed by him like this, felt like Reiner was there in it all with him. Back in Ragako, probably a humble little place where the trees were tall and old and the houses only one or two stories: splashing in the river, running through the fields, climbing to the top of boulders, drinking together in secret not to cope but just to see what being drunk felt like, playing with worms on the dirt path when it rained, staring up at the clouds from his school desk by the window. Scraping his knee, crying!, and Connie’s mom bandaging it for him. Having sleepovers-- ah, except Connie used to be a girl so that probably wouldn’t have been allowed. Maybe sharing a first kiss. Tussling in the grass without a speck of real meanness, not knowing anything apart from how good it made him feel to be kind. Finding ointment for Connie’s bug bites. Putting out milk for a stray cat. Making paper snowflakes to decorate the eaves with. Learning how to write in cursive. Listening to his mother sing him to sleep with sunny songs. 

If Reiner had wanted, somewhere before, to crush the boy beneath him, he now realized that it was the desire to take all of him, know all of him, embrace him, love him, shield him, protect him. As though Connie were a firefly in his carefully balled-up fist. 

“What’re you humming?” 

“Hm?” Reiner hadn’t even noticed, rubbing circles into the sides of Connie’s shoulders as he kissed up the older boy’s neck, that he’d been singing.

“Sounds kinda sad.”

“Oh,” he startled. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Are you okay?” Connie pulled half an arm’s length away, concerned.

“Yeah, sorry,” Reiner said. “Just feeling nostalgic. It’s a song my mom used to play.”

“Ooh, what instrument?”

Of course Connie had never heard of a record, or a stereo. Did they even have music boxes here? The moment split into jagged, dragging pieces as Reiner stuttered, unable to come up with even a single instrument to offer. 

“Uh, I meant sang.”

“Mm? Well okay, are you gonna sing it for me then or what?” 

A flush of shyness spread over his face. “Well, I can’t now; it’s too embarrassing.”

“Oh my god, shut  _ up _ ,” Connie groaned and smacked him lightly. “I’ve seen your asshole.”

“Fuck off. I can’t just sing it because you ask me to. It has to be, I don’t know, natural.”

The boy merely scoffed, and returned his buzzed head to the bicep it’d been resting on before. “You never talk about your mom.”

Not knowing how to respond, Reiner said nothing.

“Is she… did she make it out that day?”

“You mean,” the older boy suggested, “is she alive?” 

Connie nodded. 

“I assume so.”

“What does that mean? You don’t know?” Connie retorted incredulously.

“She’s probably alive. I haven’t seen her in a long time, but I doubt she’d die now.”

“You haven’t tried to find her?”

Reiner sighed. “I know where she is, just, we’re not exactly close, babe. It’s a whole thing. Let’s not talk about that, okay?”

“So mysterious,” Connie muttered, a little sullenly, but he soon regained his vigor as Reiner began again to fondle him, humming, and slightly mouthing the words of the song. “Ah, your voice is so sexy,” Connie said.

The yellow aura he’d come to know after all those years turned pink, heat radiating off Reiner’s cheeks and the tips of his ears. He was the colors of a sunset, just as the sun was rising in the east. Being wanted was still so unbelievable to him. It was a honeymoon, here in their isolated lockbox.

To detract a little from the happy shame, Reiner lowered his voice comically and feigned a practiced, operatic vibrato, making Connie giggle. “ _ Why does the sun go on shining? _ ” he pressed kisses under his lover’s jawline. Connie tilted his head back and swallowed another laugh. Was it wrong to feel this much joy so soon? Trost had been retaken, yes, but only after they’d watched countless comrades trampled and eaten. Innocent, freckled Marco just one among them. 

_ Why is Marco-- _

At least Trost had been retaken. And by Eren, no less. Everything was more and more inexplicable. Eren was a titan. For whatever reason, Reiner felt uneasy thinking of him.  _ Of course he did! Eren was a goddamn titan! _ But… this unease was more like a feeling of  _ knowing _ , rather than of not knowing. Well, there was nothing to be done, anyway; he’d worry about it later. His cascade of love-bites down Connie’s neck continued its campaign. “ _ Why does the sea rush to shore? _ ” He was whispering now. The boy writhed slowly, bending his back, his chest raised cambré. Stretching his legs in pleasure and flexing his toes, Connie felt the bliss expand, like a pair of lungs filling up with air, from the lower part of his sand-colored body through every end of his nervous system. Reiner palmed his ribcage with wide hands, from chest to sides to back, licking a trail down the boy’s center. 

“You feel so good,” he mouthed on Reiner’s shoulder. A shudder went through him. It was time to sing a different song. 

“ _ Don’t they know it’s the end of the world? ‘Cause you don’t love me anymore. _ ”

“I knew it was sad,” Connie said when he’d finished. But the older boy pressed himself in between his legs, grinning. That wasn’t their music, after all. His underwear was tightening at the lap, and there was already precum leaking through the fabric. 

With Connie’s consent, he pulled the shorts off from under him. He couldn’t help but stare a little too long at the boy’s naked body, reclining on the bed, the impression of inviting. His clit, red and firm, protruded almost an inch with the folds of pink skin from his trimmed hair. He also was prematurely sticky; the string of fluid hung like spider’s silk between his open thighs. 

“Connie…” Reiner shivered before pulling his boxers down over an enormous erection. The first time he’d had sex, he wouldn’t have been able to imagine having this much self-confidence. Exposing himself so shamelessly. But then, it hadn’t been love before, or his own free will. Being with Connie was like another dimension compared to that. 

Kneading the boy’s calves as he climbed forward on his knees, Reiner held himself over Connie’s groin, letting his tip fall and touch the boy’s little raised ball. His hands on either side of Connie’s head, thick arms which Connie stroked tenderly. Slowly, he began to pump his hips, sliding from between Connie’s hot, wet labia up and over his clit. The boy sighed something like a moan, his lips parting ever so slightly.  _ This _ , Reiner thought, was their music. Chills spread across his skin, hardening his nipples.

He went down onto his elbows to kiss him. Their tongues tied together so naturally, curling around each other like a handshake, their intermixed saliva emitting lewd sounds of intimacy. His favorite part of Connie’s lips was their outer rims, the soft curve of his pout. He sucked on them until he was sure they’d be maroon for the others to see at breakfast. This was his man; he wanted everyone to know it. 

“Reiner…” Connie said breathlessly, “put it in already.”

Blushing again, Reiner obliged, taking Connie around the waist and sliding his upturned hands under the boy’s shoulder blades. Their chests were pressed together, heart to heart, cheek to cheek, as he pushed himself inside. His girth and length made Connie gasp each time they did it, but it went in easier this time with the help of Connie’s sloppy arousal. 

_ What a beautiful love. _

As he started moving, Connie accommodated him by wrapping both legs around his waist, and clasping his hands together at the nape of Reiner’s neck. That first night came back to him- droplets of water running down Connie’s back, the clouds of steam, that glazed-over lust in his eyes- and at the thought of where they were now he found himself thrusting with increasing speed. 

“Hah-- ah-- ah--,” Connie was grunting under him in a higher voice like rapture. And he felt each collapse of his lungs to produce those sounds. “God-- Reiner--  _ fuck-- _ !”

Reiner too was unable to stop the moaning in his throat as he pounded into the boy. Ecstasy was reaching its way through him, from the bliss wrapping tight around his member to his fingertips curling around Connie’s shoulders, over his broad moving back, down through to his toes. As he felt Connie’s calf muscles squeeze around him in orgasm, the shudders swept over him, and he slammed his cock forward, burying it in the boy’s passage and coming inside, letting out a loud cry of pleasure. 

With another few thrusts to finish riding the climax, he pulled out and fell back, his dick flopping over glossy, white cum dripping like syrup from Connie’s opening.

“I-- I came inside! What do we do?!” Reiner said when he realized again that Connie was not biologically male. 

Connie, lying panting on his back, chuckled. “Don’t worry. I haven’t had a period in ages. Pretty sure I’m like… sterile now. I’ll just take a really intense shower to be sure.”

Reassured by his jesting manner, Reiner returned to his side. They were both sweating, still coming down from the shared high. “Can I join you?” He felt like glitter: it sparkled in his eyes.

“Hehe,” Connie gave him a grin. “Please. Hey, uh, what did you say before in the song? ‘See’? Like sight?”

“Ah, no,” Reiner replied, biting his lip. “S-E-A. I don’t know what it means. It’s just an old song.”

“You think it’s from before humanity went into the walls?”

“Beats me, babe. Probably.”

The two fell into a peaceful silence. Wind outside, and voices of children, the marketplace, the birdsong. This felt more like home than anywhere Reiner had ever lived. 

“Can we stay like this forever?” Connie’s sultry voice descended dangerously. “Just desert the Scouts, steal the bed and climb a wall and camp on top of it?”

“After we literally joined yesterday!” Reiner laughed, finding and squeezing his hand. “You don’t want to live somewhere within?”

The boy considered for a moment as though the thought had not occurred to him. “I just think the view would be better.”

“And eat what, stone, genius?”

“We could hunt. Sasha taught me a little in training. Helped with pointing the damn triggers in the right direction.”

“Yeah,” the older boy said. “Except we’d run out of gas and be stuck up there. Not to mention the titans everywhere.”

“Um, you’re ruining my fantasy, bastard,” Connie retorted, and Reiner, chuckling to himself, apologized. 

“Okay, okay,” he said. “How about this: we survive till we’re fuck-ass old and go out for drinks together once it’s all over?”

“What, no wedding?” Connie joked before turning over to face him again. “I’ve been waiting for you to propose, y’know.” He was kidding, but still the happy glint in his eyes gave Reiner pause. The unease came back like seasickness--  _ why _ ? Connie was in love with him. 

Connie was in love with him, that was why. It was what he wanted, but it felt wrong. Dammit, why did he feel so wrong about it? He loved Connie too, enough to make his head spin. Was it just a fear of commitment? 

“You don’t think you’ll find some other guy more handsome than me?”

Connie laughed. “Doubt it. I’m kinda ride-or-die.”

Well, there was no guarantee they’d survive tomorrow anyway.

“Okay,” he said finally. He stared up at the ceiling, feeling every inch of the room as though it were the interior of his heart- the oil lamp, the empty mugs ringed with brown stains, the curtain tie hanging down, his boots and Connie’s abandoned on the floorboards beside the bed frame. “We survive, get married, and become alcoholics together.”

Immediately the boy blushed as dark as a plum. “We-- alcoholics wasn’t the plan!” And as Reiner’s snigger evolved into a hearty laugh at the sincerity of his reaction, he buried his face in the pillow. 

* * *

“What, have you become attached to this evil race or something?” Reiner demanded of Annie. If she couldn’t do this much, after risking her life to save Connie in headquarters, she could hardly be called a Warrior. He already knew what he was, but Annie? “If I’m wrong, prove it to me right now!”

The last time he’d seen this much pain in her expression was when Marcel had pushed him out of the titan’s way. Marcel who had manipulated their decision to pick Reiner as the Armored Titan in order to save his brother. Marcel who had been eaten in his place. 

“If you, and your father waiting for you to come home, are any different than this filthy race, prove it right now!”

Bertoldt’s eternally-stunted voice sounded behind him: “Reiner, it’s almost on top of us!”

“Annie!” Reiner shouted at her. 

_ Why am I… doing this? _

Gnashing her teeth, Annie obeyed, kneeling before Marco and unstrapping the ODM equipment from his person. Cold sweat dripped down her face as Marco wailed, weeping uncontrollably now, “Why?! Why?! Annie!” They all knew that Reiner had feelings for Connie. Why project his guilt onto her? She’d tried to keep to herself as much as possible, so that when they had to do their duty, the anguish wouldn’t drown her completely. She would be detached. But Reiner was a fool who’d never had the guts to commit himself to anything. When she had finished unbuckling, she knew that she’d done another unforgivable thing.  _ This is what makes us Warriors, my ass. Is killing them from fifteen meters up, with giant hands and stomping feet, not personal enough for you? You were stupid enough to be overheard and now…  _

“Annie, you did well,” Reiner said. His brows were low over his eyes, determined, though she could see the sweat on his temples too. If anything, being a Warrior was being trapped in a perpetual nightmare. Without a word, she wrenched the main unit, the cable reels, off of Marco’s back and threw it into a nearby window. Then the three sinners left him there on the sill. In their wake, the titan Bertoldt had spotted earlier slowly made its way to that same spot. 

“Wait! What are you in such a hurry for?!” Marco sobbed incredulously after them, without even the strength to get up or try to climb away. “We haven’t… even had a chance to talk this through--!” It came upon him, reaching out its grubby hands--

_ Why am I just standing here? _

As they watched the blood splatter and slip from the titan’s mouth, Annie shook and cried. Bertoldt felt his knees trembling beneath him, but he couldn’t even fall. Their comrade’s leg convulsed automatically before going limp. 

“Hey,” Reiner said in a different voice. A horrified voice. 

_ Why is Marco getting eaten? _

* * *

The metal in his mouth tasted like gunpowder. Seemed appropriate enough. It had taken him longer than usual to load the rifle. Thinking about a lot of stuff. If there was a time to get sentimental though, this was it. 

He’d drunk himself stupid- half a bottle of whiskey at minimum- while rummaging around the kitchen of his childhood home for a last meal. What would he have? What did he even like eating? Unwillingly he thought of going to the bakery for a croissant. Since that morning with Connie, he’d felt sick looking at them. How the others had teased them upon spotting Connie’s fat red lips. It was hardly his memory to feel sick about. Okay, not a croissant then. Maybe just an egg on toast, tomato and black beans. Or a sandwich with some kind of deli meat? A seedy bagel with cream cheese?

But he wasn’t hungry anymore. Instead, he took a swig of whiskey and gagged upon swallowing. 

If anyone asked, his mom told them he had PTSD from living with devils for so long. The Eldians on the island of Paradis were different from them, here. If they believed that, what could he say? If they didn’t, what could he say. Surveillance was everywhere. And he knew very well what happened to people who, even in the privacy of their four walls, whispered those words they were forbidden from saying. His cousin Gabi seemed to believe wholeheartedly that she was proving Marley’s Eldians were good people, a faithful child training to be a Warrior, competing to inherit his monster, just like he had. Even someone as loyal as she was, still treated like shit. A child! Unlucky enough to be born of Eldian blood. Just like he had been. 

But at the end of the day, at the end of his life, Reiner could not deceive himself anymore- blaming it on his upbringing, or whatever had happened in the past at the hands of Ymir Fritz, or oppression under Marleyan rule, or his mother. The eternal assault on life had continued through him because  _ he  _ wanted to be a hero. He’d just wanted people to respect him. For that, he had forced Annie and Bertoldt to carry on their mission. What was his life except another means to endless destruction? He was stupid, selfish, with the weight of thousands of deaths on his weary shoulders. Marcel, Carla Yeager, Marco: names he knew. Not just from those souls on the island; as an adult, as recently as a month ago, he’d killed countless Mid-East Allied soldiers-- for what? 

However indirectly, he had murdered Connie’s family. 

He thought drunkenly of the letter he’d written, unable to recall what Connie had said to him after reading it. Had he kissed him? After suffering that literal blow to the head, the battle and its aftermath was hazy. He wished he could’ve seen his face once more, gazed into those eyes again, just once, but it seemed like a sweeter goodbye than he could’ve hoped for. It was more than he deserved. How could Connie still care about him, after he’d done  _ that _ ? Made him weep in pain. Hugged him in comfort while he was the source of it all. But Reiner knew: Connie was just that type of person. He didn’t stop loving. 

Leaning forward, he positioned the barrel just in front of his uvula. It was an awkward position, reaching down to finger the trigger, but he wouldn’t have to sit there for long. There could be no redemption for a man like him. Only punishment, or to disappear completely. A blank. A prayer for his mom, for his love, and for everyone else. A prisoner, he would put himself to death finally. After a hundred thousand years of living in this hell. This misery that was earth.

“Fuck!” There was a bang on the wall from outside. Honestly he thought he’d pulled the trigger. 

“I’ve got to change…  _ something _ …!”

Like a miracle, a godsend, it was Falco, who’d chosen that semi-basement window to beat in his distress. Hearing the boy’s steps carry away along the road, he carefully removed the rifle from his mouth, gasping. 

That was right, he still had them to look after. 

Maybe he was running on stolen time but somehow, somehow it’d be a worse injustice not to use it. At least he could give back what he’d taken-- to Falco, to Gabi, Udo, and Zofia. If someone had done that for him all those years ago, would things have turned out differently?

And… Reiner was sick of the self-loathing, the self-pity! Falco was just a kid like the rest of them, but Reiner-- Reiner had already grown up, and grown old. On the train, he’d scared the boy half to death after threatening to report his disillusionment with the Warrior Program. Falco was there for Gabi, to inherit the Armored Titan in her place; to rescue her from that drastically-shortened lifespan and all the warring that came with it. A twelve-year-old martyr. A twelve-year-old romantic! Of course he couldn’t be talking like that out loud, even with Reiner. So the man had forced him to spit out words of loyalty and gratitude to Marley, shaming his Eldian heritage. 

“You have to save Gabi from the dark future that awaits us,” Reiner had told him, as softly as he could speak and be heard as the wasted soldiers celebrated Gabi’s victory at Fort Slava. He pulled at his armband. 

Was he really so weak as to refuse Falco that chance? Couldn’t he commit fully, for someone else’s sake, to something for the first time in his life?

Wherever Connie was- whatever he was doing- that was his life now. If Reiner were to live, he had to let go of his sins and seek to reclaim his goodness. There would never be a way to atone for what he’d done. But… he could turn away from the past and any prospect of a future, and just… sit, gather the shards of his broken heart, and pass them on to the world’s new innocents. 

_ I’ll die soon enough anyway. Might as well live it out till the end.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally... their promise <3 hope you all enjoyed this one as much as i enjoyed writing it  
> All i have to say is at this point is -let Falco say fuck
> 
> I'd be happy to receive any fanart you create or talk abt reicon with you on my tumblr @shepherdden


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